Andrew Hyun, you are a dead man. Haha. Dart board...i'll show you a dart board!! Maybe it will look like one of those buddy icons Karen likes to make for you.

(sorry to the rest of my readers. I just needed to make a point to drew.)

My mom spent most of her childhood living in Brazil with her brother and my grandparents. My uncle's family (him, my aunt, and my cousins - Alex, Kelly, Vivian, and William) are all from Brazil. When I was 2, I went down to Brazil to visit them. Since I was 2, I don't remember much. But there are a few things I remember.

I remember one night, Kelly (who is my age) and I were supposed to be in bed. I was sleeping on the top bunk of a small bunk bed and she was on the bottom. We ended up staying up really late talking. I remember having a pillow/blanket fight with her. And that's where our friendship started. We would be best friends for the next twelve years.

I also remember their dog. Since I was two, I remember the dog as being GIGANTIC. I don't think it was actually that big. I remember running around their house, and the bottoms of our feet getting all black.

Part of me wishes that we could all go back to a time when we were all so innocent. To a time when the winds and waves of life didn't leave us tired, battered. To a time when we hadn't experienced death, sickness, grief.

But, life is not meant to be lived looking backward. My continued prayer for my family: "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Lord I'm tired,
so tired from walking.
And Lord, I'm so alone.
And Lord, the dark is creeping in, creeping up
to swallow me.
I think I'll stop
and rest here awhile.

And didn't You see me crying?
And didn't You here me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember where You sat it down.

And this is all
This is all I have to say right now.
I know it's not much.
And this is all I have to give.

I didn't notice You were standing here.
I didn't know that that was You holding me.
I didn't notice You were crying too.
I didn't know that that was You washing my feet.

And this is all
This is all I have to say right now.
I know it's not much.
And this is all I have to give
And that's my everything.

- David Crowder

Mary, Alinna, Seri and I did not win the lottery. We will not be buying puppies for anyone. NO ONE GETS PUPPIES!!! No pugs, no st. bernards, no puppies. We believed...we believed deeply...Seri had a premonition. Maybe God did not want us to win. Duh! Of course God wouldn't want us to win...If we won, we'd all become SLACKERS!! ok? ok...We didn't even win $10...or for that matter, $1. that means we must keep packing and cleaning. We cannot hire people to do it. ok...we did not win. How anti-climactic.

I'm sad that Mary and Alinna are moving out. I was also sad when Karen, Olivia, and Jean moved out. But, I guess because I didn't see a whole lot of the three of them to begin with, it wasn't as dramatic. But, Mary and Al's is my second home! I have spent many, many hours watching MTV on the couch, praying with friends in the living room, eating (and studying) at the kitchen table, cooking (and cleaning) in the kitchen, bbq-ing on the patio, and doing MCB work on Mary's computer. I think more than missing the furniture or that darned heavy TV, I will miss my friends. As long as I get to hear Mary sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" with Olivia at Alinna's Wedding...hrmm...I lost the point of that sentence...in fact, I lost the 2nd half of that sentence. Oh well.

Change is hard. Change is good...it's just really difficult. I guess I'm apprehensive about what the next few months hold for me. I guess I'm not ready to be a "young adult." A friend was telling me about how Oprah was talking about the "Quarter-Life Crisis." Basically, college grads who for a few years are somewhat aimless. If they have direction, they're having a rough time taking the first few steps toward that goal. High unemployment, low motivation. And eventually, they gravitate back toward grad school. Ha. Sounds like me. But I think I realized this about myself a while ago. I called it the "post-graduation funk."

I went to YAF last night. I was, strangely, kind of nervous before and at the beginning. It's been a few years since I've had to be a "new kid." Haven't had to be new to a group in a while. Well, it wasn't as scary or awkward as I had expected. It was a little awkward. I was touched by people's warm invitations and greetings. It's just strange to have to get to know people again. Time to make new friends.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm socially inept. I feel like I don't know how to make new friends. I just don't know how to make friends. I feel like I don't know how to build deep, committed friendships. I'm a social butterfly. There, I've admitted it. And I don't like it. Well, I do like the feeling of knowing a lot of people. But, I see how the way I am doesn't build up the body. That's something I've been trying to change. I want to be able to invest in people and have them invest in me. I feel like I don't serve the body with my friendship because I don't let people close enough that we can bless one another. Yes, I do have a small handful of close friends. But, I tend to not let anybody in but those friends. I can tell people a lot of stuff about me - what I've been doing, what's going on in my life. But that's just barely me. I had behind telling people about "stuff."

I had a conversation the other day where I was really blessed. I didn't even realize it until today. A friend was asking me about things close to my heart. It's been a long time since I've stumbled into conversation about things really close to my heart right then - my sister, my family, my grandparents. I want to be able to talk to people about the things that are close to their heart. I'm tired of just talking about "stuff." There's definitely a place for that...proportionally, you'll talk about "stuff" much more than talking about real matters. But, I'm tired of hiding behind the "stuff." I want to learn to pray for people more. To find out what is close to their hearts. To be concerned with their spiritual and emotional welfare as well as their physical and financial well-being.

I look forward in great anticipation to the further unfolding of these beautiful friendships that I already have. And I look forward in a bit of apprehension toward the new friendships that God is forging.

So people have been wondering what I do with myself all the time now that i'm no longer a student and I'm not yet employed.

I've been spending a good amount of time at home with family. Basically, while I'm home I have three duties:
1. Drive my sister around.
2. Feed my sister.
3. Buy things for my sister.

Well, let me give you a typical day:
10am. Wake up, shower, do other morning things.
11am. Either take myself, my grandparents, or my sister to some appointment or another.
Noon. Spend time with Jesus. Buy something to eat. Enjoy the warm weather.
1 pm. Go to some place where you buy things (mall, costco, target, grocery store).
3 pm. Sit on the couch.
4 pm. Go to the gym.
6 pm. Start dinner.
7 pm. Eat dinner with family.
8 pm. Watch TV.
11pm. Check e-mail, etc. online.
1 am. Read Harry Potter
2 am. Sleep.

Such is my life. Very calm. A nice, welcome change from the insanity of college life. Job hunting has been...slow...and I know i'm still new to the whole job hunting scene. There are many of you who, I know, have been at it for a while. If my words count for anything: keep at it. Press on. Hope in things far greater than the present circumstance. If you're enjoying unemployment, then more power to you!

Ok, off my soapbox. I'm starting to realize that I'm not sure what I'm doing here..with my life and all...woah..it's late. That's a can of worms I'm not going to open tonight. Another pointless entry.

Inspiration and advice for my new template courtesy of my wonderful sister. Some things are still in the works. Do you like it? E-mail me! I'd love to hear from you about things other than this silly page.

Paris: The City of Light.

wow. I'm so excited to go. We have our plane tickets set; our hotels are great (and not terribly expensive). 2 weeks to explore the city. I find that i'm rather intrigued by Paris. Especially after writing a City Planning paper on it. It's just so fascinating to explore new places. This is how I differ from some of my friends. Some of my friends would rather go to a resort for vacation and sit on the beach or something. Not that i don't like sitting, but I think I would prefer to wander, to learn a new public transportation system, to explore the life of a new and foreign place...

So, 2 weeks in Paris. I was just there last summer with family. We did all the touristy stuff. It will be nice to get to know the city a little more. I'm intrigued by the history of the place and how things that have occurred in the past have come to shape the city as it is today. The great boulevards of Haussman and le Corbusier...How has this design affected the development of areas such as the Montmartre.

Interlude re: the Monmartre
I saw Moulin Rouge today. It was really good. I enjoyed it greatly. I appreciate things that are edgy, new, creative. Moulin Rouge was definitely that. Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor play the parts stunningly. The use of all the famous songs...entertaining...captivating...i feel like i'm writing a review. Baz Lurhmann successfully accomplishes what he set out to do - to create an experience for the audience. As if the audience were watching a live musical rather than trying to create the naturalism that movies today try to produce. The audience is not expected to think that that which they are watching is real. Rather, they are to participate with the what they see. To react, to cheer, to cry, to applaud. Quite powerful. i highly recommend the film. In fact, if you want someone to see it with, give me a call. I'd love to see it again. Oh, by the way, the Moulin Rouge is in Montmartre. That's how we got here.

Back to Paris:
I think what makes Paris, and London as well, so fascinating to me is how cosmopolitan they are. These are two of the most internationally recognized places, with high traffic in and out of the city physically and economically. What is even more interesting is how as a visitor, you can peal away layers of the city as you explore to reveal tremendous amounts of history. I think the presence/absence of this history is what makes Paris and London totally mesmerizing for me while New York does not interest me very much.

Maybe I'm just excited to go to Paris.

I have a theory about boy bands. (an aside: I enjoy boy bands. they are wonderful, especially 98 degrees). Anyhow..remember, I've never taken an econ class...I don't pretend to actually have evidence to back up my theory..but it logically makes sense. So, here we go:

Boy bands serve as a fairly good indicator of the state of the nation's economy. When the economy is doing well, there is a plethora of boy bands. This occus because parents are willing to spend A LOT of money so that their teeny-bopper kids can have cd's, posters, concert tickets, fan club stuff. Who in the world would spend $85 to go see the Backstreet Boys when money is tight. Not only do you have to buy a ticket for your screaming pre-teen daughter, you also have to buy one for yourself so that you can take your teenager... So yes, when there are many, many boy bands...and when they're quite prolific in their albums, tours, and other products, things must be going fairly well for the nation economically.

Take the recession of the early 90's. I don't remember which boy bands died...but the New Kids were definitely one of them...oh, the New Kids. Did you know that Mark Wahlberg (aka Marky Mark) is Donny's (of the New Kids) brother? Did you also know that Marky Mark is now George Clooney's best friend? Did you know that Ben Affleck and Heath Ledge have Guinness drinking contests together? Yes, the things that cloud my brain...

I think that's all I have to say for tonight.

So, all in all, it's been a sad day. Strange how yesterday, I was bored out of my mind. I was only in Berkeley for a few hours when I felt the need to call everybody that I knew. I was all antsy...itching to go out, to do something.

And today, it is a quiet day. A day for sitting, thinking, crying, reflecting, more sitting. I think I've spent most of the day staring at the wall. I've kinda just wanted to be alone. A friend passed away this morning. It has been more shocking than it has been sad. Death - what a strange..I can't even think of the right word...event? Is it an event? I guess so...I'm not even sure what to say. It's one of those things in life that you really can't prepare for. It just happens - sometimes more suddenly than others. But it leaves marks, scars, pain that is deeper than anything I have ever experienced.

People in my life seem to die in June. It's a hard month. My uncle passed away a year ago next week. Death....funny how it is..it kinda comes..and then life for everyone must go on. It has to go on. I don't know what I'm saying. Just fleshing out thoughts.

Brian, we miss you. We will remember you. You've touched my life. Rachel and I were remembering that one night outside of Spats when you made us laugh like we were three years old without a care in the world. You reminded me to find the things that are priceless and so valuable in each person I ever met. You were patient with me. You told me to get over myself. Not quite ready to say good bye yet...in time...

I should go find some people to hang out with. Not good to be alone for too long.

I've been thinking a lot about what is to become of this page. what type of things should i write about? what do i not feel comfortable posting about? I was watching Finding Forrester tonight. And there's a great line in it. So, the kid, Jamal, is trying to think of what to write about. And he sits all afternoon thinking. Finally, Sean Connery says to him, "Just start writing. Write the first draft with your heart. Then go back and write the second draft with your head."

So, I guess I'm just gonna write about whatever. There's no order to the madness.

Did you know that movies cost $7 now? Even for the discounted student price!?!? I find that totally ridiculous. And renting a movie is like $4. With Blockbuster's current $2 off of Pre-Viewed movies, you can get movies for $2-7. It's cheaper to just BUY a movie than to rent it...gee. And yet, i'll still pay to watch Shrek and Pearl Harbor and rent 4 movies..all in the past week.

That just shows how much I need a project. Something to do...

Graduation has come and gone...a somewhat distant memory of sitting in the sun..and too many dinners at East Ocean. Memories momentarily resurrected when people give me pictures. What a strange few weeks it has been. Life has moved so slowly. I guess everyone has told me that life is a lot slower outside of college. That it's just super accelerated in college. Learning to slow down..that's been difficult, especially since I've come to thrive off of the craziness and busy-ness of college life.

Now, every morning, I ask myself, "gee, what am I going to do with myself today?" Oh, I am very grateful for the downtime. It's nice to have time to pay bills, balance my checkbook, scrub the bathtub, talk to friends. But part of me longs for the familiarity of a busy schedule. Change. It is time for change. It's not super-dramatic or anything. But, God's moving me to new places now. I'm grateful that God is allowing me to stay in Berkeley...in my trusty college apartment with my trusty college roommate...and to stay at the church that I've been at. Baby steps in moving forward in the life that He has prepared.

I think I'm plagued by many things that are part of the classic "post-graduation funk." I'm scared...many, many things are uncertain. I don't like change; I'd rather cling to the past. I feel like I'm the only one in the world going through this...when in fact, 75% of my friends are all in similar places. And then God graciously reminds me that it's really not about me..and what I am, what I'm not, what I know, what I don't know. It's about me walking in hope, in boldness as I follow Him. I must continue to acknowledge His Lordship over my life...it hasn't ended just because I've graduated. His lordship over my life hasn't even CHANGED since I've graduated. So why do I act as if I'm alone and trying to carve out a place for myself?

"For His delight is not in the strength of the horse
nor in the legs of man.
But the Lord delights in those who fear Him,
who put their hope in His unfailing love."

and I keep clinging....