The sun came out today in Paris. woohoo! It's actually rather hot. Enough about the weather. So, I've gotten to spend a good amount of time alone today. We spent the weekend in Troyes, a small town out in the French countryside where Olivia is doing a summer program. We went out to visit her. Dude, the place is so cute. I think I could live there. The townspeople just go out and eat on weekends. They'll sit in this one plaza that has tons of restaurants for hours. And they eat, they drink (in moderation), and just spend time together. It's kind of a cool life.

I've discovered during my week and a half here, that I am far more attached to home than I thought I was. I've missed my family a lot. (yes, Jess, I miss you lots) I've missed my friends a lot. I spent a lot of time talking with Olivia last night, and we both acknowledged that God has been revealing things about my own heart to me. He's been showing me how much I'm still a child. I am more attached to my family than i thought. I have missed both them and my friends more than I could imagine. It was so refreshing to spend time with Olivia. I've spent a good amount of time e-mailing my friends, trying to get a taste of the things going on back in the Bay. So, e-mail me and tell me about your past two weeks! I don't cqre how trivial you think it may be.

I wonder why I hold these things so dear. Doesn't Christ say that to love Him one must hate his brother? Yes, it's supposed to be a "in comparison" type thing, but the things that have happened this past week have indicated how I can so subtley (karen, jean, nor I know how to spell that) make things that are secure my god.

This trip has been really refreshing though. It's been nice to escape the things that faced me at home. I've had time to bring them to God. It's easy to be alone with and quiet before God when your sitting in the Jardins du Luxembourg. It's hard to be distracted by people talking in languages you can't understand. I'm hopeful now. Not that I will find a job soon, not that the things that burden my heart will go away. But, God has patiently reminded me and shone me that He is good; He works all things together for those who love Him. It's been so nice to just be with God, to not be so busy doing.

hmmm...things are very jumbled in my head. There are zillions (ok, maybe not zillions) of thoughts. They will come out in time.

A little excerpt from my journal:

Sunday July 22, 2001
1pm

Sitting on a train, rolling through the French countryside. A field of sunflowers suddenly appears among the fields of hay, lettuce, and other unknown greeneries. A sunflower field - yellow against green. Beautiful. A river. Also green. haha. gross.

And listening to Shane Bernard on my discman. the 737 song. What a silly title with a few somewhat goofy lyrics. But, the song is, musically, a perfect soundtrack to my view:

737
Where'd You get that shade of green?
Awesome, Splendor, Majesty!
Where'd You get the notes to play?
Glory and honor to Your name.
My life, but a grain of sand.
Your life, so worthy of...

How amazing is a 737 taking off?
Laying down all of me,
that I might rejoice in all of You, Holy View.
All that is beautiful.
All creation bow to the majesty of God.

Every knee shall bow, and I will bow, and we will bow!

-- Shane Bernard

first, a random note: we ran into brian turner, andrew park, derek kwan, and julien bonnel (AGO/new church guys) on top of the eiffel tower last night. random. then we ran into them again today at easy everything (where we all go to check e-mail)

there have been a lot of scams and pick-pocketing here in france. Today, we were on the metro, and a bunch of little girls started pushing into this older lady. the girls were probably no more than 12 years old. and they kept pushing people as they got on..all of a sudden, they ran off the metro train, and the door closed, and the train was off. The older lady looked down and saw that her wallet was gone. My bag was open, but they couldn't get to my wallet or anything.

Dude, it really bothered me what happened. Mainly because it was a group of girls that were so young. It's almost like you expect older people to be pickpockets, but not little girls. And the look on their faces when they ran off the train. they were so happy. i'm really; really disturbed by this. it really bothers me. They're so young.

ok; i'm running out of time. I'll process this more and write more later. I'll write about other scams too...

i`ve checked e-mail every day that i`ve been here. pathetic...haha

i`m in paris. will write in sentence fragments. not much time. keyboard hard to use. It`s so beautiful here. It was rainy, but, Praise God, it cleared up today. I`ve never seen Paris in the sunlight. it rained when i was here last year. we saw fireworks at the eiffel tower last night. very cool. eating good food. but i`m pretty sick; bleh. Ok, this was a stupid entry. But, whatever. =) if you want me to buy you anything, e-mail me. bye!

So, I'm leaving for Paris in a few hours. People keep asking me if I'm excited. And strangely enough, I'm not very. It feels like we've been planning this trip forever, and so, I've had Paris on the brain for the past 2 months. I'm sure I'll be really excited when we get there. I can't wait to see Olivia and hear her stories.

I've started to realize the past few days that "I'm all grown up." Well, not totally, but for the most part. There are still years of wisdom and life experiences to be gained. But, I see now that I'm expected to act as an adult. My parents definitely expect that of me.

SN: I guess what set this whole train of thought off was that Karen, Jean, and I have had to plan the entirety of our vacations on our own. This is the first international trip I've gone on that wasn't with my family.

So, I'm expected to be a grown up now, at least when I'm at home. I see how much responsibility my parents have given me while I'm at home. As an adult, I'm expected to do a lot of stuff around the house. I don't have the luxury of bumming around like my sister does all day. Yet, these responsibilities are things I want to do because I know that they help my parents a lot.

But, part of me still wants to be a kid. I think that's why every now and then, I'll go back to Berkeley and hide out. In Berkeley, I'm responsible to no one but myself. I can do as I please, stay out to all hours of the night, eat or not eat. It's ironic that I act most like a child when I have total freedom, and I can be most like an adult when I'm at home. Maybe there's something to be said about having connections to people. When I'm at home, I see how my actions have large effects and consequences. Because of this, I am more inclined to be responsible.

I have a friend who's mom has said that she's not allowed to shop at Aeropostale, Abercrombie, or junior departments anymore. She wants my friend to dress "older." When my friend told me this, we were walking through Macy's and I was wearing a shirt that made me look like I was 12. I still like being a kid, romping around in overalls. And sometimes, I like being "a grown-up." SN: it was weird that Pastor Jerry referred to Belinda, Kathy, and myself as "adults" during youth worship last week.

Like other things in life, this issue is not so black and white. It's not like one day you're a kid and one day you're an adult. And when you're an adult, you can still act like a kid...it will definitely amuse your future spouse. There's no need to be something that you're not. Hmm..that was a profound, yet empty statement. Ironic. I'm not articulating myself very well...so i'll stop on this thought.

Changing subjects..
I wanted to share a few prayer requests as we head off to Paris. (yes, we're going on vacation...but still...)
- For physical safety on our flights there and back and while in Paris.
- For real times of fellowship with "the girls." Please pray that we would be patient and loving, that we would be discerning of our own boundaries and limits and be able to be honest.(you know how it can be with a bunch of girls in close quarters for an extended period of time).
- For Karen and myself who are both sick. bleh...for healing and that we would be excited that God has blessed us with another day, even though we're not in perfect health.

Thank you, my dear readers. (Why you read this, I'm not sure)...maybe I'll update in Paris!

Morning prayer was so awesome today...It's been so awesome to see the number of people who have a heart to pray for the CI congregation, for church leadership, and for those who serve grow and grow. I know that I didn't start going to prayer consistently till a whiles after it was started. But, wow. And, beyond mere numbers, the times of prayer have been so refreshing. It's been such a blessing to pray with people from different auxillary groups and life experiences. There's something about praying with people that is just so intimate. I feel like I really get a taste of the things that are on people's hearts, the way they view and approach God, and the way they view the world by praying with them. Oh, I'm so richly blessed. Yay God!

I love my parents.

I wonder what kind of parent I'm going to be. Well, this is all under the assumption that I will have children. I pray that I will have kids. What a blessing that would be! Yet, I'm really scared that I would mess up my kids. But, I guess, most people are afraid to mess up there kids. Maybe it's this fear that keeps people from actually messing up there kids.

The effect of culture on how parents interact with their kids is astounding. For many of my close friends and for me, our parents came to the United States from China or Taiwan in search of "the American Dream." One observation that a friend made (and I'm not trying to make broad, sweeping generalizations about Chinese families) is that our parents tend to not know quite how to express their pride, joy, etc. in us. Examples of this: In high school, I would show my parents my report cards. If I got A's, the response was not "Wow, great job, we're proud of you." The response was frequently, "Yes, you got A's. Did you eat yet?" If I got an A-, the response was "Why only an A-?" This is just an example of my interactions with my parents. I love my parents, but I'm starting to see how these interactions have shaped me into the way I am today.

I have no complaints as to how I was raised. I am eternally grateful to my parents for all the love and encouragement they've shown me. It's just taken me 20 years to be able to decipher the ways in which they show their pride and joy in me. I've realized that I had a misguided idea that my parents needed me to preform (in school, work, life) to please them. Now, I'm starting to see that this was never expected great accomplishments from me to warrant their love. They just had trouble communicating that they found great joy in me. Keith Zafren gave a message a few weeks ago about parenting. He mentioned how God makes a public declaration of His love for His Son in the statement, "This is my son in whom I am well pleased." Keith talked about how he is trying to love his two sons in this way. He wants to make sure that they know that he loves his children deeply. "These are his sons in whom he is well pleased." And I've come to see that my parents are well pleased with me (Well, sometimes..haha). They just don't communicate it as directly. But, they do communicate it.


I want to spend more time with the Tuma's and the Zafren's. It's so cool watching Dennis and Vivian Tuma teach, love, and discipline their children. Such a blessing. I've learned a lot of neat things about parenting from them. It's been neat to see what a Christian household looks like, since I didn't really grow up in one. Watching Dennis lead his wife and his kids. I've learned some really neat "tools" that many of these God-fearing parents use to turn their children to Christ. Dennis encourages his kids to always learn. He takes every opportunity to explain something to his kids. While playing in a pool, he will start explaining wave motion to his kids as they look as the rings that are made by drops of water. Keith Zafren sets aside his part of his children's birthdays as dad-son time. He asks them what they would like to do. And he will do that with them. His kids are 3 and 1 right now...But, I know other fathers who do this as well. If the daughter wants to go camping, father and daughter will go camping. They will go to baseball games, out to dinner, anything. Keith calls it "a way of buildling in my kids to affirm that we acknowledge that they have been fearfully and wonderfully made by the Father." Keith is buddies with Bill Hybel. Ever since Bill's daughters started attending school, Bill would have a dozen roses delivered to them at school on their birthdays. It was not only a private communication of his love for them, but a public statement to the rest of the school that they are precious.

And all these stories are just "things." I'm certain that their is far more wisdom and insight about parenting. Oh, how much I want to suck things up from all these Godly people. But, before I learn to love and serve my kids, I need to learn to love and serve a (as of now) non-existent husband. But, we'll talk about relationships another day...

It's very weird to be able to say that I have known people for more than 10 years. Well, beside my parents and my sister. I'm talking about friends. I've been friends with people for more than 10 years. I guess Dave Wang is one of my oldest friend; I've known him since i was 6 or 7. Why am I talking about Dave? I'm not sure.

I spent the 4th of July with old friends from high school. These are people that I used to be pretty close to. But, somehow, when we all went off to school, we kind of lost touch. Well, I guess some of them hadn't. I hadn't seen most of the people at this bbq since New Years Eve two years ago. And there were others whom I hadn't seen since high school graduation. It was strange because most of the time was spent updating. Did you graduate? What are you doing now? What grad school do you want to go to? Where are you living? Any guy/girl in your life? We talked (and ate) for hours. Then we got stuck in traffic trying to get back from seeing fireworks. That's another story.

It's so interesting to hear what different people are doing. I think the cool thing about hanging out with people you don't normally get to interact with is that you get to hear some amazing stories. I love going to gatherings where people are just talking about these interesting things they've seen and done in their lives. I have friends who want to be cheerleaders for pro football teams. I have friends who are getting their masters. I have friends who have taken bartending classes. I have friends who were interviewed for jobs by my other friends. It's all very fascinating.

Above all, it was nice to hang out with people who aren't cut from the same mold that I am. I feel like, lately, my world has become Asian Christians. And that irks me. Oh, yes, I like Asian Christians..I like them a lot...in fact, i hope that my future husband will be one, but I digress. It was nice to hang out with friends who aren't necessarily like me. I get a greater understanding of God's heart for the world as I spend more time with the people that He has created. Yes, there were things that I heard that broke my heart. But now, I'm feeling amazingly encouraged, and I'm not sure why. I think part of what I saw tonight was a sense of community. Commitment. Loyalty among friends. History. There's something about history, shared experiences, shared memory that creates a sense of community and belonging.

I went out with an old friend on Sunday night. A friend that I hadn't seen in months. He used to go to Berkeley; then he graduated and left. I had such a good time. Again, it was really refreshing to hang out with people who aren't like me. Actually, Sunday night was spectacular. I hadn't had such a nice time in quite a while. And it was nice not only to joke about things that had happened in the past, but it was nice to talk about things that were going on in our lives now. It was like I could see how our paths had come together while we were in school, then diverged for a while, and now reconverging. Honestly, I have to say that I had lost a lot of commitment to this friendship. But, spending some time with him again really kicked me in the butt. Loyalty. Commitment.

History isn't enough to sustain a friendship. If we tried to make it sufficient, we'd spend all our time looking backward. But I guess, friendships must be built upon, moving in a forward direction. Duh, this sounds really basic and simple. But, I guess the reappearance of all these old friends has made me think about this. Things to keep in mind as my friends from Cal move forward and in different directions...

After 36 hours, I have decided not to play the Hollywood Stock Exchange (HSX) anymore. Many of the sfc/yaf folks have been playing it. Sorry to dissapoint those who were eager to watch me blow all my money. I don't like how it sucks up my time, my thoughts, even some of my conversation. If you want to talk about movies or music, I would love to talk about cool new cd's i got or a bad movie that I saw. But, for some reason, HSX makes me feel unsettled. And I don't like that. So, goodbye all my HSX buddies. You will all just have to dethrone Greg in your leagues. =)

Note: this does not mean that I suddenly got a man.