'Cause everytime I breathe
I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love
Everytime I try to rise above
I'm swept away by love
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD, YOU STUPID SONG!!
You've been stuck in my head since Thursday night. hahahah. crazy.
December 23, 2002
December 9, 2002
I'm so small. Just a little heart in this big, big world. I'm still a little girl. Why do I have to have such big worries?? Why don't things stop when I'm sad? I guess, that's what keeps us all from sulking too much. But, my world moves fast, too fast. A blur of color without much shape or definition. When did we grow up, guys? How come we're suddenly adults? With adult responsibilities, with adult worries, with adult sadness?
Chin up, silly girl! She's resting in God's arms now. She's radiant, beautiful, full of life as she sits at the feet of her Creator. But my chin falls towards my chest. The tears start to bead along the corners of my eyes. There's no stopping them.
There's no stopping the world around me. Meetings at work, deadlines, ministry responsibilities, the pressures weigh in heavily. It's just too much. Can't I just be sad for a moment or two? Can't I?
great light of the world
Bebo Norman
Sometimes at night
When I am afraid
I cover my eyes
And I cover my shame
So here in the dark
Broken apart
Come with your light
And fill up my heart
Oh great light of the world
Fill up my soul
I'm half a man here
So come and make me whole
Oh great light of the World
Come to impart
The light of your grace to fill up my heart.
The wind of this world
Can push us around
Folding us up
Backing us down
Here in the dark
I'm not alone
So come with your strength
And carry me home.
We miss you. Lisa Too went Home on December 9, 2002.
Chin up, silly girl! She's resting in God's arms now. She's radiant, beautiful, full of life as she sits at the feet of her Creator. But my chin falls towards my chest. The tears start to bead along the corners of my eyes. There's no stopping them.
There's no stopping the world around me. Meetings at work, deadlines, ministry responsibilities, the pressures weigh in heavily. It's just too much. Can't I just be sad for a moment or two? Can't I?
great light of the world
Bebo Norman
Sometimes at night
When I am afraid
I cover my eyes
And I cover my shame
So here in the dark
Broken apart
Come with your light
And fill up my heart
Oh great light of the world
Fill up my soul
I'm half a man here
So come and make me whole
Oh great light of the World
Come to impart
The light of your grace to fill up my heart.
The wind of this world
Can push us around
Folding us up
Backing us down
Here in the dark
I'm not alone
So come with your strength
And carry me home.
We miss you. Lisa Too went Home on December 9, 2002.
November 20, 2002
November 18, 2002
I had a wonderful afternoon on Saturday.
Jason and I went to Santa Rosa. Santa Rosa is a really odd place. Like it looks normal, but it has these weird undercurrents. Kinda Twin Peaks-ish as Janeane Garofalo put it. So, we went up there in the early afternoon. It was a really hazy day, which added to the weirdness of the city.
Jason’s a big fan of the Peanuts comic strip, so we went out to the Charles M. Schulz Museum. It was pretty cool. There were tons of original prints on display. There was also this special display of all the tributes drawn by other colleagues in the comic strip industry. It was really neat. Some of them were actual cartoons that ran during May after Schulz’s death. Jason and I were really impressed by this big card that had been created by the artists on The Simpson’s. They each drew little sketches and had notes. There was one of Homer lying on his back on the roof of a doghouse. His legs and arms (and fat) are hanging over the sides. The caption bubble reads: “This is harder than I thought.” A lot of the artists wrote notes about how they were influenced by Peanuts. For a lot of them, they wrote about how Snoopy was the first thing they started doodling as a kid. It was a pretty impressive tribute. I, personally, was really struck by this strip of Charlie brown. There are 5 frames. In the first frame, Charlie Brown finally gets a note from the red-haired girl. In the second frame, he finally kicks the football. I don’t remember what the next frame was. The 4th frame was Charlie Brown looking all perplexed. And then an angel flies down in the last frame and says, “You’re in heaven, Charlie Brown. You’re in heaven.”
So, after the Schulz Museum, Jason and I had an hour or so to kill before our dinner reservations. So, we went to the mall. There were so many teenagers at this mall. It was pretty obvious that the make-up of this town was more working class. And that the mall was really overrun by teenagers. It was so crowded, yet in stores like Banana Republic and Ann Taylor Loft, only a handful of customers could be found.
Dinner was at this restaurant called Capri. The owner is actually from the island of Capri. He was this really friendly man in his late fifties. He greeted all of his customers personally (and affectionately). The food was wonderful.
We started with Sauteed mussels with garlic, tomatoes, and olive oil. It came with a toasted slice of a baguette. The sauce was tomatoey, but not too sweet or tart. The presentation was excellent, with all the mussels pointed upward on the plate.
We then had our entrees. Jason ordered the rabbit. I ordered the veal. The veal was delicious. 4 thin slices of veal were cooked in a marsala sauce with what they called wild mushrooms. I called them white and shiitake mushrooms. The sauce was flavorful without masking the flavor of the meet. They were served with a side of diced potatoes (that were a little boring) and vegetables.
Jason’s rabbit was excellent. 3 large medallions of rabbit stuffed with herbs. We expected it to taste gamier, so it was a pleasant surprise to find that the herbs covered that flavor nicely. Some bites, however, were too full of oregano. It was matched with a side of light, fluffy polenta and vegetables. We had a glass of Merlot which complemented the food nicely.
Service was so-so. We had one of the worst tables in the house. Next to the bar, and near the kitchen. It did give us a nice view of the rest of the restaurant with its dim light and large windows onto the quaint downtown street. The set-up of the restaurant was nice. 1 deep red gerber daisy was on each table along with a bottle of olive oil and a small candle.
So, that was dinner. YUMMY! Then, we proceeded to go see Janeane Garofalo do stand up over at the Luther Burbank Center for the Arts. Everyone in Santa Rosa is white. But, besides, that, it was a great show. She was funnier than I had ever seen her (considering that she kinda flopped on SNL). She got a standing ovation. It went a little long. The guy who opened for her, Zach Something, was pretty funny too. I had never seen stand-up before, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.
And, honestly, more than anything, the highlight of my day was just getting to spend it with Jason. Yes, you may barf and gag now if you so desire. But, we don’t get to spend too much time with each other during the week because we’re both so busy (especially me!). So, yes, it was nice.
I had quite an enjoyable weekend. And going to sleep last night at 9:45 was great too!
Oh, and congratulations to Hung and Fanny!
Jason and I went to Santa Rosa. Santa Rosa is a really odd place. Like it looks normal, but it has these weird undercurrents. Kinda Twin Peaks-ish as Janeane Garofalo put it. So, we went up there in the early afternoon. It was a really hazy day, which added to the weirdness of the city.
Jason’s a big fan of the Peanuts comic strip, so we went out to the Charles M. Schulz Museum. It was pretty cool. There were tons of original prints on display. There was also this special display of all the tributes drawn by other colleagues in the comic strip industry. It was really neat. Some of them were actual cartoons that ran during May after Schulz’s death. Jason and I were really impressed by this big card that had been created by the artists on The Simpson’s. They each drew little sketches and had notes. There was one of Homer lying on his back on the roof of a doghouse. His legs and arms (and fat) are hanging over the sides. The caption bubble reads: “This is harder than I thought.” A lot of the artists wrote notes about how they were influenced by Peanuts. For a lot of them, they wrote about how Snoopy was the first thing they started doodling as a kid. It was a pretty impressive tribute. I, personally, was really struck by this strip of Charlie brown. There are 5 frames. In the first frame, Charlie Brown finally gets a note from the red-haired girl. In the second frame, he finally kicks the football. I don’t remember what the next frame was. The 4th frame was Charlie Brown looking all perplexed. And then an angel flies down in the last frame and says, “You’re in heaven, Charlie Brown. You’re in heaven.”
So, after the Schulz Museum, Jason and I had an hour or so to kill before our dinner reservations. So, we went to the mall. There were so many teenagers at this mall. It was pretty obvious that the make-up of this town was more working class. And that the mall was really overrun by teenagers. It was so crowded, yet in stores like Banana Republic and Ann Taylor Loft, only a handful of customers could be found.
Dinner was at this restaurant called Capri. The owner is actually from the island of Capri. He was this really friendly man in his late fifties. He greeted all of his customers personally (and affectionately). The food was wonderful.
We started with Sauteed mussels with garlic, tomatoes, and olive oil. It came with a toasted slice of a baguette. The sauce was tomatoey, but not too sweet or tart. The presentation was excellent, with all the mussels pointed upward on the plate.
We then had our entrees. Jason ordered the rabbit. I ordered the veal. The veal was delicious. 4 thin slices of veal were cooked in a marsala sauce with what they called wild mushrooms. I called them white and shiitake mushrooms. The sauce was flavorful without masking the flavor of the meet. They were served with a side of diced potatoes (that were a little boring) and vegetables.
Jason’s rabbit was excellent. 3 large medallions of rabbit stuffed with herbs. We expected it to taste gamier, so it was a pleasant surprise to find that the herbs covered that flavor nicely. Some bites, however, were too full of oregano. It was matched with a side of light, fluffy polenta and vegetables. We had a glass of Merlot which complemented the food nicely.
Service was so-so. We had one of the worst tables in the house. Next to the bar, and near the kitchen. It did give us a nice view of the rest of the restaurant with its dim light and large windows onto the quaint downtown street. The set-up of the restaurant was nice. 1 deep red gerber daisy was on each table along with a bottle of olive oil and a small candle.
So, that was dinner. YUMMY! Then, we proceeded to go see Janeane Garofalo do stand up over at the Luther Burbank Center for the Arts. Everyone in Santa Rosa is white. But, besides, that, it was a great show. She was funnier than I had ever seen her (considering that she kinda flopped on SNL). She got a standing ovation. It went a little long. The guy who opened for her, Zach Something, was pretty funny too. I had never seen stand-up before, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.
And, honestly, more than anything, the highlight of my day was just getting to spend it with Jason. Yes, you may barf and gag now if you so desire. But, we don’t get to spend too much time with each other during the week because we’re both so busy (especially me!). So, yes, it was nice.
I had quite an enjoyable weekend. And going to sleep last night at 9:45 was great too!
Oh, and congratulations to Hung and Fanny!
November 14, 2002
November 5, 2002
Everyone, I have an announcement to make. Can I have your attention please? I'd like you to meet the newest member of my household!
Moose has now moved into my quiet apartment here in Oakland. He comes to visit frequently. He likes to eat dinner (and sometimes breakfast too!)
He's quite the charmer. Big inquisitive eyes, a boldness and courage that is unmatched by anybody I have previously met, an unparalleled sharpness for getting out of life-threatening situations.
So, without further ado...
I present to you Moose the Mouse!
Too bad I don't have a picture of him. Honestly, I wish he'd go away and leave me alone.
Moose has now moved into my quiet apartment here in Oakland. He comes to visit frequently. He likes to eat dinner (and sometimes breakfast too!)
He's quite the charmer. Big inquisitive eyes, a boldness and courage that is unmatched by anybody I have previously met, an unparalleled sharpness for getting out of life-threatening situations.
So, without further ado...
I present to you Moose the Mouse!
Too bad I don't have a picture of him. Honestly, I wish he'd go away and leave me alone.
November 4, 2002
November 1, 2002
Sam beat me to it. (hey, and why do all my past posts have Sam’s name somewhere in them? It seems like Sam’s the only friend I talk to on a fairly regular basis, excluding Jason.)
I was in the processing about dumping about similar things. I've wanted to write about these things for a while now, so I’ll do it anyways. Similar issues, but not the same. Warning: this has not been edited. What ever comes to mind is written down.
A thought that has been flying through my mind a lot lately is: “When did I get like this?” I remember a time when I used to love (read: feel love for) God wholeheartedly (or, more than I do now), when I used to care about people more sincerely and deeply. I used to be such an extrovert. Maybe the years out of school have mellowed me out. But, I also have seen how selfish, bratty, and whiny I have become.
I find myself in pursuit of the same thing that Sam wrote about: happiness. There are times (like earlier this week) where I am just overcome by complete sadness. It’s a sadness that is intertwined with loneliness, frustration, and disgust at myself. I see myself becoming more impatient, more demanding, more critical. This is especially apparent when I examine my interactions with Jason. And now, I see where this comes from. I think the things that I’ve been taking out on Jason are reflective of my frustration with God.
I’ve become impatient. It’s become difficult for me to wait on Him to lead. I think my life is in a place where, for at least the next several months, I’m not going anywhere. And I’m starting to get antsy. I was so conditioned to school life where things changed every few months. There were clear markers along the road. Now, day after day, week after week kind of looks the same. Don’t get me wrong, there is still fun to be had. I also am lacking a bit for community. I praise God for bringing Jason into my life. Even while dating, I get lonely. I miss the girls. I long for that casual community of college. Where people would spontaneously show up for dinner and hang out all night. But, this is no longer college. And, so, I get sad. And I let this sadness come over me and eat me up.
So, instead of feeling sad, I try my best to keep myself extremely busy. This prevents me from sitting down and actually feeling sad. Am I pursuing happiness? Or am I just avoiding sadness? I guess they’re fundamentally the same. In the end, I am trying to “fix” my sadness. I find myself wanting to buy stuff, to eat, to entertain myself. I justify it as “therapy” but, ultimately, it’s trying to fulfill deep spiritual desires with worldly things. I want so much to not be sad anymore.
I look at myself, and I hate the sinner in me. I hate that I’m not content in Christ. I forget that I am a child of God, and heir to the throne, that I have received every spiritual blessing. Or maybe it’s that I don’t know how to let these truths transform my life. Honestly, I get tired of praying for this (or against the sadness). I feel like I’ve been crying out for the same thing for so long. I’ve had these undercurrents of melancholy for a while now. Maybe I’m not praying right. Maybe I’m praying selfishly.
I need to stop complaining – to others, to myself, and to God.
“For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand outside.
I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God
Than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD gives grace and glory;
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”
Psalm 84:10, 11
God has put me in His court. I’m in His court! Yes, it might be a colder, damper, muddier corner of His court. I might not like it too much. But, I am in His court. And I sit and I complain how I don’t like where in His court He has put me. But y’know what? At some given moment, God will pass by in His court. And from my station, I will have the best view of Him, and it will make it well worth the wait. No good thing does He withhold. He knows what is good for me, and He gives generously.
So, yeah..that’s my brain throwing up. I’m not sure what to do, but to keep praying, to keep studying His Word, and to keep waiting. I don’t know..that doesn’t seem like enough though…but I guess that is..
I have no idea how to end this. Same disclaimer as Sam: “I don't want to get a bunch of concerned e-mails from friends, so I guess I'll stick this here. I know the truth of finding joy in God and I definitely believe in that.”
I was in the processing about dumping about similar things. I've wanted to write about these things for a while now, so I’ll do it anyways. Similar issues, but not the same. Warning: this has not been edited. What ever comes to mind is written down.
A thought that has been flying through my mind a lot lately is: “When did I get like this?” I remember a time when I used to love (read: feel love for) God wholeheartedly (or, more than I do now), when I used to care about people more sincerely and deeply. I used to be such an extrovert. Maybe the years out of school have mellowed me out. But, I also have seen how selfish, bratty, and whiny I have become.
I find myself in pursuit of the same thing that Sam wrote about: happiness. There are times (like earlier this week) where I am just overcome by complete sadness. It’s a sadness that is intertwined with loneliness, frustration, and disgust at myself. I see myself becoming more impatient, more demanding, more critical. This is especially apparent when I examine my interactions with Jason. And now, I see where this comes from. I think the things that I’ve been taking out on Jason are reflective of my frustration with God.
I’ve become impatient. It’s become difficult for me to wait on Him to lead. I think my life is in a place where, for at least the next several months, I’m not going anywhere. And I’m starting to get antsy. I was so conditioned to school life where things changed every few months. There were clear markers along the road. Now, day after day, week after week kind of looks the same. Don’t get me wrong, there is still fun to be had. I also am lacking a bit for community. I praise God for bringing Jason into my life. Even while dating, I get lonely. I miss the girls. I long for that casual community of college. Where people would spontaneously show up for dinner and hang out all night. But, this is no longer college. And, so, I get sad. And I let this sadness come over me and eat me up.
So, instead of feeling sad, I try my best to keep myself extremely busy. This prevents me from sitting down and actually feeling sad. Am I pursuing happiness? Or am I just avoiding sadness? I guess they’re fundamentally the same. In the end, I am trying to “fix” my sadness. I find myself wanting to buy stuff, to eat, to entertain myself. I justify it as “therapy” but, ultimately, it’s trying to fulfill deep spiritual desires with worldly things. I want so much to not be sad anymore.
I look at myself, and I hate the sinner in me. I hate that I’m not content in Christ. I forget that I am a child of God, and heir to the throne, that I have received every spiritual blessing. Or maybe it’s that I don’t know how to let these truths transform my life. Honestly, I get tired of praying for this (or against the sadness). I feel like I’ve been crying out for the same thing for so long. I’ve had these undercurrents of melancholy for a while now. Maybe I’m not praying right. Maybe I’m praying selfishly.
I need to stop complaining – to others, to myself, and to God.
“For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand outside.
I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God
Than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD gives grace and glory;
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”
Psalm 84:10, 11
God has put me in His court. I’m in His court! Yes, it might be a colder, damper, muddier corner of His court. I might not like it too much. But, I am in His court. And I sit and I complain how I don’t like where in His court He has put me. But y’know what? At some given moment, God will pass by in His court. And from my station, I will have the best view of Him, and it will make it well worth the wait. No good thing does He withhold. He knows what is good for me, and He gives generously.
So, yeah..that’s my brain throwing up. I’m not sure what to do, but to keep praying, to keep studying His Word, and to keep waiting. I don’t know..that doesn’t seem like enough though…but I guess that is..
I have no idea how to end this. Same disclaimer as Sam: “I don't want to get a bunch of concerned e-mails from friends, so I guess I'll stick this here. I know the truth of finding joy in God and I definitely believe in that.”
October 30, 2002
And when I am weak, unable to speak,
still, I will call out Your name.
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker,
hold on to my hand.
And you say, "I Am."
- Nichole Nordeman, "I Am"
"Now they may say to me, 'What is His name?' What shall I say to them?"
God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM"
Exodus 3:13-14
Lord , you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
psalm 16:5
still, I will call out Your name.
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker,
hold on to my hand.
And you say, "I Am."
- Nichole Nordeman, "I Am"
"Now they may say to me, 'What is His name?' What shall I say to them?"
God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM"
Exodus 3:13-14
Lord , you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
psalm 16:5
October 22, 2002
October 19, 2002
Non sequitors
I need to get my eyes checked. I feel like my visions not so sharp anymore. I guess I'm almost due for my annual.
Instead of sitting here working on my apps, I am sitting here closing one eye and checking my vision. Then alternating and closing the other eye. Right-left-right-left-right..
clearly This is not productive.
I'm making tater tots right now. They smell really good.
Bears vs. UCLA. bring it! Go bears!
I need to get my eyes checked. I feel like my visions not so sharp anymore. I guess I'm almost due for my annual.
Instead of sitting here working on my apps, I am sitting here closing one eye and checking my vision. Then alternating and closing the other eye. Right-left-right-left-right..
clearly This is not productive.
I'm making tater tots right now. They smell really good.
Bears vs. UCLA. bring it! Go bears!
October 18, 2002
October 3, 2002
October 2, 2002
Sam keeps harassing me to update.
So, I'll cheat and do the survey.
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? In this cute little house in Oakland. So cute, that I don't even feel like I live in Oakland
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning; Bridget Jones Diary
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Tom&Jerry. Tom at the computer with Jerry as well, the mouse.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Speed Scrabble
FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Real Simple
FAVORITE SMELLS? Warm laundry
FAVORITE SOUNDS? That content sigh when someone has eaten a good meal.
WHAT IS THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Knowing that I've screwed up and it fell on someone else.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? ugh. ugh. ugh. and, why is it so cold?
ROLLER COASTER, SCARY OR EXCITING? exciting. I'm such an adrenaline junky.
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? 2. I don't know why either. Something I learned from my parents I guess.
FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME? Why do my answers keep sounding like Sam's?! I like the name Emily; I always have. Dunno why.
FUTURE SON'S NAME? David?
WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN LIFE? living a life worthy of the calling of Christ.
FAVORITE FOODS? Leftover lasagne. Steak.
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Chocolate with a little vanilla to balance.
FAVORITE SONGS: Satellite - Dave Matthews Band
FAVORITE VACATION SPOT: Paris. Paris. Paris.
DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Not terribly. I'll drive at the fastest 80mph, which to many people is not fast.
DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Yup. Henry is a white bear with a red ribbon. I sometimes use it more as a pillow, so he's kinda flat. And Toby is a Gund dog from Pottery Barn Kids. He tends to end up in the crack and stay there.
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE DECISION YOU'VE MADE: adding to the drama in high school with my youth group
WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? '87 740 Volvo station wagon
YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO WOULD IT BE? Dietrich Bonhoeffer
WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Libra and Monkey on the Chinese calendar
DO YOU EAT THE STEM OF BROCCOLI? of course! Eat as much broccoli as you can.
YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? A baker and a florist
IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR? just highlighting it.
NOTTING HILL, AMERICAN PIE OR SIXTH SENSE? Notting Hill. The dinner/brownie scene.
ARE YOU A LEFTY OR A RIGHTY? Right
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? My box of scrapbooking/artsy-fartsy stuff and a flashlight.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 21
FAVORITE COLOR: Periwinkle
FAVORITE ANIMALS: Puppies
FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH: College basketball
SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: No one sent this.
PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND: I have no idea.
PERSON(S) WHOM YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: ?
PERSON WHOSE RESPONSE YOU LOOK FORWARD TO READING THE MOST: In Chris' words "Uh yeah..."
FAVORITE QUOTES: "To get a woman, you must say two things: 'Nice shoes' and 'You were right, and I was wrong.' " - American President
PARENTS NAMES: Charles and Nancy
NAME AS IT APPEARS ON YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Evelyn Hsinyi Tu
NICKNAME: Ev, Evy, Ebs, Evil-lynn, Stupid
EYE COLOR: Brown
HAIR COLOR: Black.
LOVED SOMEBODY SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY? Yes.
BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT? Yeah. I hit a tire that was sitting in the middle of a freeway.
FAVORITE FLOWERS: Any flowers...especially Stargazer Lilies and Tulips
PREFERRED TYPE OF ICE CREAM: Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby
FAVORITE SESAME STREET CHARACTER: Elmo
DISNEY OR WARNER BROS: Warner Bros.
CONVICTED OF A CRIME? Nope
So, I'll cheat and do the survey.
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? In this cute little house in Oakland. So cute, that I don't even feel like I live in Oakland
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning; Bridget Jones Diary
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Tom&Jerry. Tom at the computer with Jerry as well, the mouse.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Speed Scrabble
FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Real Simple
FAVORITE SMELLS? Warm laundry
FAVORITE SOUNDS? That content sigh when someone has eaten a good meal.
WHAT IS THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Knowing that I've screwed up and it fell on someone else.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? ugh. ugh. ugh. and, why is it so cold?
ROLLER COASTER, SCARY OR EXCITING? exciting. I'm such an adrenaline junky.
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? 2. I don't know why either. Something I learned from my parents I guess.
FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME? Why do my answers keep sounding like Sam's?! I like the name Emily; I always have. Dunno why.
FUTURE SON'S NAME? David?
WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN LIFE? living a life worthy of the calling of Christ.
FAVORITE FOODS? Leftover lasagne. Steak.
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Chocolate with a little vanilla to balance.
FAVORITE SONGS: Satellite - Dave Matthews Band
FAVORITE VACATION SPOT: Paris. Paris. Paris.
DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Not terribly. I'll drive at the fastest 80mph, which to many people is not fast.
DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Yup. Henry is a white bear with a red ribbon. I sometimes use it more as a pillow, so he's kinda flat. And Toby is a Gund dog from Pottery Barn Kids. He tends to end up in the crack and stay there.
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE DECISION YOU'VE MADE: adding to the drama in high school with my youth group
WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? '87 740 Volvo station wagon
YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO WOULD IT BE? Dietrich Bonhoeffer
WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Libra and Monkey on the Chinese calendar
DO YOU EAT THE STEM OF BROCCOLI? of course! Eat as much broccoli as you can.
YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? A baker and a florist
IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR? just highlighting it.
NOTTING HILL, AMERICAN PIE OR SIXTH SENSE? Notting Hill. The dinner/brownie scene.
ARE YOU A LEFTY OR A RIGHTY? Right
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? My box of scrapbooking/artsy-fartsy stuff and a flashlight.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 21
FAVORITE COLOR: Periwinkle
FAVORITE ANIMALS: Puppies
FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH: College basketball
SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: No one sent this.
PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND: I have no idea.
PERSON(S) WHOM YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: ?
PERSON WHOSE RESPONSE YOU LOOK FORWARD TO READING THE MOST: In Chris' words "Uh yeah..."
FAVORITE QUOTES: "To get a woman, you must say two things: 'Nice shoes' and 'You were right, and I was wrong.' " - American President
PARENTS NAMES: Charles and Nancy
NAME AS IT APPEARS ON YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Evelyn Hsinyi Tu
NICKNAME: Ev, Evy, Ebs, Evil-lynn, Stupid
EYE COLOR: Brown
HAIR COLOR: Black.
LOVED SOMEBODY SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY? Yes.
BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT? Yeah. I hit a tire that was sitting in the middle of a freeway.
FAVORITE FLOWERS: Any flowers...especially Stargazer Lilies and Tulips
PREFERRED TYPE OF ICE CREAM: Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby
FAVORITE SESAME STREET CHARACTER: Elmo
DISNEY OR WARNER BROS: Warner Bros.
CONVICTED OF A CRIME? Nope
September 27, 2002
I had a really good time hanging out with Sam last night.
We played yet another pathetic game of scrabble. You know it's bad when Sam asks "is this a word?" And I reply, "For the sake of our game, sure!"
It was just nice having people over again. It was nice seeing friendly faces in a relaxed no pressure environment.
And yes, Chris, he randomly yelled at me in the middle of dinner.
I think Sam has gotten more random. He kept directing conversation at dinner. But it wasn't quite conversation. It was him making disjointed statements without any background and without any link to the previous comment. It was a whole series of non sequiturs. Maybe it's just been too long since I hung out with him. But, all in all it was just very refreshing and relaxing to hang out with him.
I've come to realize that I am too busy. Yes, I love being busy. But, sometimes, I crave a little more downtime. I wish that I had more time to spend with Jason, with other friends, with my television, with my Bible, with my bed. At the very most, I spend 1 weeknight every two weeks at home or doing something informal. I love being involved in ministry so much. I really admire Jason's mom and how she chose to take early retirement so she could spend her time doing ministry. Well, that may be a reality for me in 40 years. For now, I must work.
It's really scary thinking about the future. I've been working on applications for school. It's so strange because I've been praying about and preparing for going to grad school for so many years now. And, now, I'm finally applying. I'm amazed my the opportunities that God has blessed me with. As much stress as applications causes me, I'm awed that I even get to consider going on and getting more formal education. I think this is the first time that I've really been grateful for all the options and choices available to me.
It's been said that one of the problems with our generation is that we grew up with too many choices. We have too many opportunities available to us that we don't really know how to choose or how to commit and follow through with a choice. I know I suffer from this frequently. I've been learning to praise God for the abundance of choices that I have. I've learned that the proper response to His abundant goodness is to be a good steward of these blessings. I can't just hide in my "options paralysis," but I have to commit and see things through to completion. Once I've decided on something, I shouldn't spend my time wondering if I've made the right choice. I shouldn't worry about wondering if another choice may have been easier, or more fun, or faster.
Ok, I rambled a lot, but said nothing. So, what's new?
We played yet another pathetic game of scrabble. You know it's bad when Sam asks "is this a word?" And I reply, "For the sake of our game, sure!"
It was just nice having people over again. It was nice seeing friendly faces in a relaxed no pressure environment.
And yes, Chris, he randomly yelled at me in the middle of dinner.
I think Sam has gotten more random. He kept directing conversation at dinner. But it wasn't quite conversation. It was him making disjointed statements without any background and without any link to the previous comment. It was a whole series of non sequiturs. Maybe it's just been too long since I hung out with him. But, all in all it was just very refreshing and relaxing to hang out with him.
I've come to realize that I am too busy. Yes, I love being busy. But, sometimes, I crave a little more downtime. I wish that I had more time to spend with Jason, with other friends, with my television, with my Bible, with my bed. At the very most, I spend 1 weeknight every two weeks at home or doing something informal. I love being involved in ministry so much. I really admire Jason's mom and how she chose to take early retirement so she could spend her time doing ministry. Well, that may be a reality for me in 40 years. For now, I must work.
It's really scary thinking about the future. I've been working on applications for school. It's so strange because I've been praying about and preparing for going to grad school for so many years now. And, now, I'm finally applying. I'm amazed my the opportunities that God has blessed me with. As much stress as applications causes me, I'm awed that I even get to consider going on and getting more formal education. I think this is the first time that I've really been grateful for all the options and choices available to me.
It's been said that one of the problems with our generation is that we grew up with too many choices. We have too many opportunities available to us that we don't really know how to choose or how to commit and follow through with a choice. I know I suffer from this frequently. I've been learning to praise God for the abundance of choices that I have. I've learned that the proper response to His abundant goodness is to be a good steward of these blessings. I can't just hide in my "options paralysis," but I have to commit and see things through to completion. Once I've decided on something, I shouldn't spend my time wondering if I've made the right choice. I shouldn't worry about wondering if another choice may have been easier, or more fun, or faster.
Ok, I rambled a lot, but said nothing. So, what's new?
August 15, 2002
Lord, you know that I love you; help me to love you more.
Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.
Ezekial 36:25-26
Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.
Ezekial 36:25-26
August 1, 2002
Someone brought in guacamole chips to work, and they triggered a childhood memory.
When I was little, my mom would pick me up from school (I would go to the afterschool program, and she'd come get me around 5). On Friday's, she'd always show up with this plastic cup (disposable party type cup) that was filled with chips or like chex mix type stuff. And it would always have a paper towel covering it. She'd pick me up after school, and every Friday, she'd have a cup of that stuff for me. And a can of grape soda (sometimes it was orange soda). She told me that she got these from work (I guess they had munchies every friday at her work). Hmm..wow. My eyes are watering thinking that she did this for me. Every Friday, she'd think of me at work, and remember to grab something for me.
Funny, how as a kid, you take these things for granted....
Hmm...I love my mom.
When I was little, my mom would pick me up from school (I would go to the afterschool program, and she'd come get me around 5). On Friday's, she'd always show up with this plastic cup (disposable party type cup) that was filled with chips or like chex mix type stuff. And it would always have a paper towel covering it. She'd pick me up after school, and every Friday, she'd have a cup of that stuff for me. And a can of grape soda (sometimes it was orange soda). She told me that she got these from work (I guess they had munchies every friday at her work). Hmm..wow. My eyes are watering thinking that she did this for me. Every Friday, she'd think of me at work, and remember to grab something for me.
Funny, how as a kid, you take these things for granted....
Hmm...I love my mom.
July 24, 2002
July 23, 2002
Moving Mountains
A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin.
The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all of hi might.
Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. THese thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough."
That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. "Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"
The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked yout o serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown; your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that whcih you used to have. True, you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. THat you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock"
At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves mountains.
Well done, good and faithful servant. Matthew 25:21
--referenced in sermon, author unknown.
A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin.
The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all of hi might.
Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. THese thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough."
That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. "Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"
The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked yout o serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown; your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that whcih you used to have. True, you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. THat you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock"
At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves mountains.
Well done, good and faithful servant. Matthew 25:21
--referenced in sermon, author unknown.
July 19, 2002
It seems like one of the things God has been showing me is my need for grace. Such a simple concept, but one of those things I'm convinced that I will be relearning until I die. There are times where I know that grace has been bestowed upon me, but I refuse to accept it. Like with all my stress lately, I refuse to let the grace of God work these things out. I refuse to let Him be Jehovah Jireh - the Lord provides. I try to make myself good, to make myself righteous and holy, and perfect. Heh. There's no grace in that. There's no God in that even...So, I need to just acknowledge how much I suck..and let God work the rest out...
I was thinking about this one line from "Joy of the Lord": "I am surrounded by mercy and grace." I think about how I forget that I am totally hemmed in, fenced in, protected by mercy and grace. There are times when I try to jump the fence in my own need to try to fix all my problems. And then God brings me to my knees. Where even in prayer, I don't come to Him with a list of requests and petitions. But, I end up with "God, help me please. Have mercy on me. I need you." I can sit for hours on end and just utter those few words....
I like how God weaves things together to teach me things. I've just started reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. And in the opening chapter, he quotes Paul Tillich:
Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life... It strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: 'You are accepted. You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything, do not perform anything, do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted.' If that happens to us, we experience grace.
- Paul Tillich in Shaking the Foundations
Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15:10, "But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me did not prove vain; but I labored even more than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God with me."
I was thinking about this one line from "Joy of the Lord": "I am surrounded by mercy and grace." I think about how I forget that I am totally hemmed in, fenced in, protected by mercy and grace. There are times when I try to jump the fence in my own need to try to fix all my problems. And then God brings me to my knees. Where even in prayer, I don't come to Him with a list of requests and petitions. But, I end up with "God, help me please. Have mercy on me. I need you." I can sit for hours on end and just utter those few words....
I like how God weaves things together to teach me things. I've just started reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. And in the opening chapter, he quotes Paul Tillich:
Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life... It strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: 'You are accepted. You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything, do not perform anything, do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted.' If that happens to us, we experience grace.
- Paul Tillich in Shaking the Foundations
Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15:10, "But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me did not prove vain; but I labored even more than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God with me."
July 2, 2002
It's odd that Phil wrote about accountability. Jessie and I talked about accountability during discipleship yesterday. She said she was gonna plop about it, and I said I'd post about it. I will post about it once I get my DSL up and running again...
It's a very interesting word/concept that I think we in the modern/post-modern church don't really understand. And I'll leave it at that for now.
It's a very interesting word/concept that I think we in the modern/post-modern church don't really understand. And I'll leave it at that for now.
June 25, 2002
Blessings, good memories, and things that have touched me.
Alinna
So many good memories. Being ladies who lunch. There was this one day when I was walking home from class, and she called my cell. I think it was one of those super-emotional, "swarm of locusts" days because I randomly started crying. She showed up at my apartment 2 hours later in her pajamas with fun movies, boboli and pizza fixings, and ice cream. She sat with me, listened to my cry, made me laugh. We prayed together. She invites me to be real, to be honest, to let all my neuroticisms out. She encourages me to be honest before God. It was so wonderful just to be together.
Karen
The queen of faithfulness and steadiness. It was Karen that God used to really convict me that I needed to forgive my ex-boyfriend. She was in the same small group as he was during his first semester at Cal. While a lot of my friends felt the need to protect me and stand up for me, Karen invited him in to the fellowship that God had blessed us in within our circle of friends. (Bad sentence, but whatever.) And week after week, she refused to take sides. But, she insisted upon loving him as Christ loved him. I can't even articulate how life changing it was to watch her invite him into a new community. And, she laughs….at EVERYTHING. She teaches me to laugh, to enjoy life, to roll with the punches.
Olivia
Truth and grace. That's what she speaks into my life. She calls things as they are. She's straight up with me. She's honest about her own weaknesses and sinfulness. Our conversations have become few and far between. Yet, there is a caring that extends far more than time or place. This is the girl with whom I can weep, and know that she will be weeping too. Whether she’s in Baltimore or Saratoga, she’ll only be a call away. We talked last Friday and praised God for free long distance on cell phone plans.
Mary
My partner in crime. MCB 130 Lab. The class of madness. Total chaos and lots of laughing. When I think of all the memories from a wonderful senior year at Cal, I can think of no one but Mary. She’s an amazing listener. She would Popsicles to boring Sex Class (IB 140) lectures; she did crossword puzzles with me. Mary’s just one of those people that’s kinda a constant in my life. It’s comforting to see her.
I’m so grateful for the girls, I can’t even begin to express it. Alinna likes to say that we all had “an extended lease on our friendships.” Not only did we have each other in high school, but we got to be together at school, and then we all stuck together in the Bay Area after that. Now, Mary’s off to Yale, O’s at Hopkins, Al’s done with Stanford, Jean’s going to Missouri for PT school (gosh, I have nerdy friends). God’s shipping us off to all different places. Friends for life, these girls. We’re kinda like the Ya-Ya’s (read: very girly book and movie). I’m so thankful that God put me in such an amazing community of friends.
People used to call us “the Eight” or just “the Saratoga girls.” When we were in high school, we dreamt of living and working together. We had some name for our project, which Olivia later renamed the Tower of Babel. We were going to run an safehouse for kids. Alinna would teach, Shirley would check their eyes, Ina would be the dentist, Karen would manage us all, O would provide basic health care, I would do health education stuff, Jean would help with PT stuff. We’re ridiculous..that’s why it became known as the Tower of Babel.
What else did we have…oh “The Gauntlet.” The Gauntlet was this series of “approvals” that guys would have to pass in order to date one of us. There was an order of who was the most lenient and who was the most rigid. Everyone would observe guy differently. Jean would just sit in the corner, pretend to do something else and observe. Al would sometimes be outwardly unfriendly just to see how he’d react. O and Karen would approach them and be friendly. But, these outward signs don’t necessarily reflect the order. I don’t remember the specific order, but there were kinda clumps. Easiest: Ina and Shirley. Moderate: Jenie, Me, Karen. Hardest: O, Jean, and Alinna. If Alinna approved, it was a go. Most of the time, it’d come down to “Ok, the opinions of the girls are important, but it’s not a make it or break it point.” You get one of us, you get us all. Ahh..the silliness.
But..we still have great plans for the future for all of us:
People will be wearing coconuts and grass skirts at O’s wedding. It’s O’s punishment for Karen. Mary will have to wear gardenias everywhere at Alinna’s wedding (because Mary keeps bagging on Gardenias which Al loves). Karen is going to plan all our weddings for us (hello, gift of administration). O and Seri will sing “Wind Beneath My Wings” at all the weddings. From this group of women will come godmothers and aunties to my kids.
O tried to present a new "tower of Babel" to me on Friday. She says we're all going to go to Africa together. We're going to run a program that will provide health education for existing physicians in Africa. O and Mary will run the health education part, I will run the orphanage, Karen will get to focus on doing ministry, Alinna will teach the kids in the orphanage. I laughed. But, oh what a dream that would be. To go be missionaries and relief workers together.
*sigh* our pipe dreams. They make me smile. Most of these things will probably never happen. But, it’s still fun to dream.
I’ve thoroughly enjoyed babbling about this. It’s comforting. It’s also really incoherent. Oh well, it was more for me than it was for you. Sorry.
Alinna
So many good memories. Being ladies who lunch. There was this one day when I was walking home from class, and she called my cell. I think it was one of those super-emotional, "swarm of locusts" days because I randomly started crying. She showed up at my apartment 2 hours later in her pajamas with fun movies, boboli and pizza fixings, and ice cream. She sat with me, listened to my cry, made me laugh. We prayed together. She invites me to be real, to be honest, to let all my neuroticisms out. She encourages me to be honest before God. It was so wonderful just to be together.
Karen
The queen of faithfulness and steadiness. It was Karen that God used to really convict me that I needed to forgive my ex-boyfriend. She was in the same small group as he was during his first semester at Cal. While a lot of my friends felt the need to protect me and stand up for me, Karen invited him in to the fellowship that God had blessed us in within our circle of friends. (Bad sentence, but whatever.) And week after week, she refused to take sides. But, she insisted upon loving him as Christ loved him. I can't even articulate how life changing it was to watch her invite him into a new community. And, she laughs….at EVERYTHING. She teaches me to laugh, to enjoy life, to roll with the punches.
Olivia
Truth and grace. That's what she speaks into my life. She calls things as they are. She's straight up with me. She's honest about her own weaknesses and sinfulness. Our conversations have become few and far between. Yet, there is a caring that extends far more than time or place. This is the girl with whom I can weep, and know that she will be weeping too. Whether she’s in Baltimore or Saratoga, she’ll only be a call away. We talked last Friday and praised God for free long distance on cell phone plans.
Mary
My partner in crime. MCB 130 Lab. The class of madness. Total chaos and lots of laughing. When I think of all the memories from a wonderful senior year at Cal, I can think of no one but Mary. She’s an amazing listener. She would Popsicles to boring Sex Class (IB 140) lectures; she did crossword puzzles with me. Mary’s just one of those people that’s kinda a constant in my life. It’s comforting to see her.
I’m so grateful for the girls, I can’t even begin to express it. Alinna likes to say that we all had “an extended lease on our friendships.” Not only did we have each other in high school, but we got to be together at school, and then we all stuck together in the Bay Area after that. Now, Mary’s off to Yale, O’s at Hopkins, Al’s done with Stanford, Jean’s going to Missouri for PT school (gosh, I have nerdy friends). God’s shipping us off to all different places. Friends for life, these girls. We’re kinda like the Ya-Ya’s (read: very girly book and movie). I’m so thankful that God put me in such an amazing community of friends.
People used to call us “the Eight” or just “the Saratoga girls.” When we were in high school, we dreamt of living and working together. We had some name for our project, which Olivia later renamed the Tower of Babel. We were going to run an safehouse for kids. Alinna would teach, Shirley would check their eyes, Ina would be the dentist, Karen would manage us all, O would provide basic health care, I would do health education stuff, Jean would help with PT stuff. We’re ridiculous..that’s why it became known as the Tower of Babel.
What else did we have…oh “The Gauntlet.” The Gauntlet was this series of “approvals” that guys would have to pass in order to date one of us. There was an order of who was the most lenient and who was the most rigid. Everyone would observe guy differently. Jean would just sit in the corner, pretend to do something else and observe. Al would sometimes be outwardly unfriendly just to see how he’d react. O and Karen would approach them and be friendly. But, these outward signs don’t necessarily reflect the order. I don’t remember the specific order, but there were kinda clumps. Easiest: Ina and Shirley. Moderate: Jenie, Me, Karen. Hardest: O, Jean, and Alinna. If Alinna approved, it was a go. Most of the time, it’d come down to “Ok, the opinions of the girls are important, but it’s not a make it or break it point.” You get one of us, you get us all. Ahh..the silliness.
But..we still have great plans for the future for all of us:
People will be wearing coconuts and grass skirts at O’s wedding. It’s O’s punishment for Karen. Mary will have to wear gardenias everywhere at Alinna’s wedding (because Mary keeps bagging on Gardenias which Al loves). Karen is going to plan all our weddings for us (hello, gift of administration). O and Seri will sing “Wind Beneath My Wings” at all the weddings. From this group of women will come godmothers and aunties to my kids.
O tried to present a new "tower of Babel" to me on Friday. She says we're all going to go to Africa together. We're going to run a program that will provide health education for existing physicians in Africa. O and Mary will run the health education part, I will run the orphanage, Karen will get to focus on doing ministry, Alinna will teach the kids in the orphanage. I laughed. But, oh what a dream that would be. To go be missionaries and relief workers together.
*sigh* our pipe dreams. They make me smile. Most of these things will probably never happen. But, it’s still fun to dream.
I’ve thoroughly enjoyed babbling about this. It’s comforting. It’s also really incoherent. Oh well, it was more for me than it was for you. Sorry.
June 20, 2002
It's been a long week. The short of it is that I am roommateless and am frantically trying to find a roommate. There a few potentials...but by few..i mean very few.
For a while, I didn't understand. I was angry at God. This girl, Cindy, told me back in early May that she was going to move in. And on June 15, it all fell through. But, in the 6 weeks in between, I felt like I had "done everything right." I was faithfully praying for her, for our future living arrangements, etc. I had asked YW staff and my small group to also pray over this. I really saw it as a blessing; God really was taking good care of me. And then it all crumbled at 11:30pm June 15. After the initial disappointment/shock/anger, I became pretty angry with God. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I had really surrended something to Him. And He did not bless my offering. Instead, He decided to see if I really had indeed surrendered it.
I think of Abraham as he goes to sacrifice Isaac. God, being omniscient, already knew what Abraham's heart was. God knew that Abraham was going to be willing to sacrifice his son, the son who was to be a fulfillment of a clear blessing from God. I can only imagine what was going through Abraham's head as he and Isaac walked up that mountain in silence. How can God be asking me to give this up? Is this contrary to His promise? I've waited so long for Isaac. God, I know I've messed up along the way with Hagar and stuff, but God, this was supposed to be something good. And now You're going to take it away. But, You are the God who keeps promises; You will deliver me from this. You haven't removed Your blessing, and I'm sure this all makes sense to You. So, I will follow with a brave heart.
God is good all the time; And all the time, God is good. He is not miserly, He give generously and abundantly that which is good for us - not what we think is good. Such simple lessons that seem so hard for me to learn.
I don't think I've felt this much stress since I was in school. I'm overwhelmed. Yet I will praise Him. I left my eyes up. There is hope.
But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. Galatians 5:5
For a while, I didn't understand. I was angry at God. This girl, Cindy, told me back in early May that she was going to move in. And on June 15, it all fell through. But, in the 6 weeks in between, I felt like I had "done everything right." I was faithfully praying for her, for our future living arrangements, etc. I had asked YW staff and my small group to also pray over this. I really saw it as a blessing; God really was taking good care of me. And then it all crumbled at 11:30pm June 15. After the initial disappointment/shock/anger, I became pretty angry with God. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I had really surrended something to Him. And He did not bless my offering. Instead, He decided to see if I really had indeed surrendered it.
I think of Abraham as he goes to sacrifice Isaac. God, being omniscient, already knew what Abraham's heart was. God knew that Abraham was going to be willing to sacrifice his son, the son who was to be a fulfillment of a clear blessing from God. I can only imagine what was going through Abraham's head as he and Isaac walked up that mountain in silence. How can God be asking me to give this up? Is this contrary to His promise? I've waited so long for Isaac. God, I know I've messed up along the way with Hagar and stuff, but God, this was supposed to be something good. And now You're going to take it away. But, You are the God who keeps promises; You will deliver me from this. You haven't removed Your blessing, and I'm sure this all makes sense to You. So, I will follow with a brave heart.
God is good all the time; And all the time, God is good. He is not miserly, He give generously and abundantly that which is good for us - not what we think is good. Such simple lessons that seem so hard for me to learn.
I don't think I've felt this much stress since I was in school. I'm overwhelmed. Yet I will praise Him. I left my eyes up. There is hope.
But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. Galatians 5:5
June 11, 2002
May 31, 2002
14 Seek good and not evil, that you may live;
And thus may the LORD God of hosts be with you,
Just as you have said!
15 Hate evil, love good,
And establish justice in the gate!
Perhaps the LORD God of hosts
May be gracious to the remnant of Joseph.
23 Take away from Me the noise of your songs;
I will not even listen to the sound of your harps.
24 But let justice roll down like waters
And righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.
- Amos 5
-------------------------------
6 With what shall I come to the LORD
And bow myself before the God on high?
Shall I come to Him with burnt offerings,
With yearling calves?
7 Does the LORD take delight in thousands of rams,
In ten thousand rivers of oil?
Shall I present my firstborn for my rebellious acts,
The fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?
8 He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justice, to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?
- Micah 6
-------------------------------
This is just to remind me/force me to write about urban ministry. Consider this a post-it note in my brain.
And thus may the LORD God of hosts be with you,
Just as you have said!
15 Hate evil, love good,
And establish justice in the gate!
Perhaps the LORD God of hosts
May be gracious to the remnant of Joseph.
23 Take away from Me the noise of your songs;
I will not even listen to the sound of your harps.
24 But let justice roll down like waters
And righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.
- Amos 5
-------------------------------
6 With what shall I come to the LORD
And bow myself before the God on high?
Shall I come to Him with burnt offerings,
With yearling calves?
7 Does the LORD take delight in thousands of rams,
In ten thousand rivers of oil?
Shall I present my firstborn for my rebellious acts,
The fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?
8 He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justice, to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?
- Micah 6
-------------------------------
This is just to remind me/force me to write about urban ministry. Consider this a post-it note in my brain.
May 26, 2002
It's good to be home. It's nice to spend time with my family.
My mom has gotten funnier over the past couple of years. I was in the car with Jessica and my mom. My mom was driving and Jess was in the back seat. There was a full moon out. My mom starts talking in this high-pitched, kiddy voice..
"Look at the moon. It's SOOOOOOOOOOO big. The big white moon! The big full moon!"
I turn to my mom with this inquisitive look (the way Sam Lau looks at people when he thinks that they're crazy). "Uh..mom..am I gonna be like you when I'm older?"
My mom replies, "But, what are you talking about honey?"
"Am I going to be all crazy like you?"
"You'd be lucky if you were like me when you're older."
My sister, in the back seat, suddenly chuckles, "Heh. You're both crazy."
My mom has gotten funnier over the past couple of years. I was in the car with Jessica and my mom. My mom was driving and Jess was in the back seat. There was a full moon out. My mom starts talking in this high-pitched, kiddy voice..
"Look at the moon. It's SOOOOOOOOOOO big. The big white moon! The big full moon!"
I turn to my mom with this inquisitive look (the way Sam Lau looks at people when he thinks that they're crazy). "Uh..mom..am I gonna be like you when I'm older?"
My mom replies, "But, what are you talking about honey?"
"Am I going to be all crazy like you?"
"You'd be lucky if you were like me when you're older."
My sister, in the back seat, suddenly chuckles, "Heh. You're both crazy."
May 20, 2002
May 15, 2002
I think I think too much.
I know I think too much.
My brain is going to explode. I think sometimes I use my head to keep me from feeling. Maybe it's my screening process. Before I let myself really feel something, I analyze it to death first. I know that once something touches my heart, it will forever change me. Since graduation (yikes! almost a year ago), I've kept back from feeling too much. I think I've become afraid to attach myself to things. Ha. "Things" - that was vague. Dreams, hopes, people. I think it's time to let myself feel again. I want to love deeply again. And with loving deeply comes great disappointment and hurt. That's just the flip-side of feeling, right? I wish I was really passionate again. I miss that. Many have commented that I'm not nearly as passionate as I used to be. I want things to break my heart again. I want to be passionate about Christ, to be excited about learning new things, to be saddened by my own sinfulness, to be angry at the injustice I see.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.
Blab blab blab.
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
Psalm 139:1-4
I know I think too much.
My brain is going to explode. I think sometimes I use my head to keep me from feeling. Maybe it's my screening process. Before I let myself really feel something, I analyze it to death first. I know that once something touches my heart, it will forever change me. Since graduation (yikes! almost a year ago), I've kept back from feeling too much. I think I've become afraid to attach myself to things. Ha. "Things" - that was vague. Dreams, hopes, people. I think it's time to let myself feel again. I want to love deeply again. And with loving deeply comes great disappointment and hurt. That's just the flip-side of feeling, right? I wish I was really passionate again. I miss that. Many have commented that I'm not nearly as passionate as I used to be. I want things to break my heart again. I want to be passionate about Christ, to be excited about learning new things, to be saddened by my own sinfulness, to be angry at the injustice I see.
I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.
Blab blab blab.
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
Psalm 139:1-4
May 13, 2002
May 7, 2002
I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him; for this is your life and the length of your days, that you may live in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.
Deuteronomy 30:19-20
Deuteronomy 30:19-20
April 29, 2002
April 22, 2002
I had a very odd dream last night.
I dreamt that Scott Eng was trying to kill my sister because she forgot to meet him at the park or something. He didn't actually go after my sister, but he kept telling me how he was going to shoot her in the back of her neck. There was something about a talking bear (clearly influenced by A.I.), breaking into a radio studio, hiding in the stacks of a small public library, being at a wedding that I wasn't invited to, and a guy telling me that he didn't like me like that. It was all very odd. I can't remember the details. It was just odd that Scott was out to get my sister.
Don't mess with my sister.
I dreamt that Scott Eng was trying to kill my sister because she forgot to meet him at the park or something. He didn't actually go after my sister, but he kept telling me how he was going to shoot her in the back of her neck. There was something about a talking bear (clearly influenced by A.I.), breaking into a radio studio, hiding in the stacks of a small public library, being at a wedding that I wasn't invited to, and a guy telling me that he didn't like me like that. It was all very odd. I can't remember the details. It was just odd that Scott was out to get my sister.
Don't mess with my sister.
April 17, 2002
Interesting site. A postmodern site to bring the gospel to a postmodern generation. I'm not sure how I feel about all this. What's their theology? Not sure. Do they present the gospel? Yes...well..kinda. Hmm..still sifting through it. Email me thoughts if you have any.
Other interesting links about postmodernism can be found here.
I'm still processing all this. Thoughts? I'd love to talk about this...
Other interesting links about postmodernism can be found here.
I'm still processing all this. Thoughts? I'd love to talk about this...
April 15, 2002
April 10, 2002
I left my umbrella in 103 Moffit last night after class. Stupid me. I had this nagging feeling that I had left it while I was walking to my car. When I realized this morning that I had lost it, I was pretty upset.
This was a nice umbrella. Black, Eddie Bauer, personal size umbrella with the push-button open and close. I paid good money for that umbrella too.
As I started walking down to the car from my apartment, I started to figure out my schedule to see if I had time to go to Eddie Bauer in Berkeley. I was kicking myself for having left it in class. And then it dawned on me: I do own other umbrellas. How had I become so attached to a $15 piece of metal and cloth? I was really shocked and saddened as I looked at my heart toward my posessions. Why was I so disappointed that I had lost it? Yes, whenever you lose something there is a sense of loss, but my reaction was stronger than it should have been.
How have I become a lover of such worldly things? Jessie and I have been reading Celebration of Discipline together. Last week, we talked about simplicity. Have these lessons been ringing ever so true in my life! While I was moving last December, I realized that I own way too much stuff, especially for a young adult who's still transitioning. What am I going to do with my stuff when I (hopefully) leave for grad school?
Richard Foster discusses 10 ways to simplify your life (in a material sense). He talks about not needing to own everything. I bought 4 movies last week - 2 on VHS for $5 each and 2 DVD's. Now, why can't I just rent movies when I want to watch them? Why this need to accumulate stuff? It adds clutter to my life. I'm going to go so far as to call this sin in my life. Because that's what it is. I might as well call it what it is, no? This is probably one of the most stealthy sins that has crept into my life. I can see how it's grown so slowly and quietly. There is definite value in entertainment, and we are to enjoy these things, but I've become attached to my stuff. If someone were to ask me if they could have something that belonged to me, how generous would my heart be?
Since I have started working and making a little bit of money, I have developed this very ungodly attitude. I'm not even sure where it came from, but now I see that it's definitely there. It's this idea that: "that which I buy with the money I make I have somehow earned. What I give to the church and missions is what belongs to God. Everything else is mine." HA! God, come and get me on that one!!
Lord, forgive my sinfulness. Remove this from me; cut it out of me. Change my heart that I would be a lover not of stuff, but of the things that are dear to You. Teach me to use my money in a way that brings You honor. Give me the strength to not indulge every appetite and desire I have. I praise You for Your transforming power in my life.
Sometimes I hate myself. I hate seeing what a sinner I am. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
This was a nice umbrella. Black, Eddie Bauer, personal size umbrella with the push-button open and close. I paid good money for that umbrella too.
As I started walking down to the car from my apartment, I started to figure out my schedule to see if I had time to go to Eddie Bauer in Berkeley. I was kicking myself for having left it in class. And then it dawned on me: I do own other umbrellas. How had I become so attached to a $15 piece of metal and cloth? I was really shocked and saddened as I looked at my heart toward my posessions. Why was I so disappointed that I had lost it? Yes, whenever you lose something there is a sense of loss, but my reaction was stronger than it should have been.
How have I become a lover of such worldly things? Jessie and I have been reading Celebration of Discipline together. Last week, we talked about simplicity. Have these lessons been ringing ever so true in my life! While I was moving last December, I realized that I own way too much stuff, especially for a young adult who's still transitioning. What am I going to do with my stuff when I (hopefully) leave for grad school?
Richard Foster discusses 10 ways to simplify your life (in a material sense). He talks about not needing to own everything. I bought 4 movies last week - 2 on VHS for $5 each and 2 DVD's. Now, why can't I just rent movies when I want to watch them? Why this need to accumulate stuff? It adds clutter to my life. I'm going to go so far as to call this sin in my life. Because that's what it is. I might as well call it what it is, no? This is probably one of the most stealthy sins that has crept into my life. I can see how it's grown so slowly and quietly. There is definite value in entertainment, and we are to enjoy these things, but I've become attached to my stuff. If someone were to ask me if they could have something that belonged to me, how generous would my heart be?
Since I have started working and making a little bit of money, I have developed this very ungodly attitude. I'm not even sure where it came from, but now I see that it's definitely there. It's this idea that: "that which I buy with the money I make I have somehow earned. What I give to the church and missions is what belongs to God. Everything else is mine." HA! God, come and get me on that one!!
Lord, forgive my sinfulness. Remove this from me; cut it out of me. Change my heart that I would be a lover not of stuff, but of the things that are dear to You. Teach me to use my money in a way that brings You honor. Give me the strength to not indulge every appetite and desire I have. I praise You for Your transforming power in my life.
Sometimes I hate myself. I hate seeing what a sinner I am. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
April 7, 2002
I killed a pigeon. It was gross.
I was driving home from church. I was going down Jackson right in front of McDonald's. There were these two pigeons in my lane pecking away at something on the road. They looked pretty happy, eating what were probably french fries. So, I slow down just a little, thinking that they'll fly away. That's what birds do, right? Car coming, you fly away. So the smarter of the two birds starts to fly off. I think to myself, "Ok, they're moving. Good." And then I realize that the not-so-bright pigeon is still pecking away at his french fries.
Suddenly. I feel my car drive over something. Thud. Squish. And with that, there was a dead pigeon on the road. I KILLED A PIGEON. Stupid bird. Fly away! That's what you're supposed to do!
I got home, and there were a few blood splatters near my front left tire. Gross. Stupid bird.
I was driving home from church. I was going down Jackson right in front of McDonald's. There were these two pigeons in my lane pecking away at something on the road. They looked pretty happy, eating what were probably french fries. So, I slow down just a little, thinking that they'll fly away. That's what birds do, right? Car coming, you fly away. So the smarter of the two birds starts to fly off. I think to myself, "Ok, they're moving. Good." And then I realize that the not-so-bright pigeon is still pecking away at his french fries.
Suddenly. I feel my car drive over something. Thud. Squish. And with that, there was a dead pigeon on the road. I KILLED A PIGEON. Stupid bird. Fly away! That's what you're supposed to do!
I got home, and there were a few blood splatters near my front left tire. Gross. Stupid bird.
April 5, 2002
Gosh, my other post was such useless garbage. Pointless chatter. I really want to do less of that.
So, I've been really encouraged this week. I wouldn't say that I'm doing wonderfully, but this week has definitely been better than last week. It's just a milder week - less loneliness, less frustration, less despondency. There's been a little more hope, a little more fellowship (not just hanging out, but real fellowship), and a little more patience.
I kinda figured out why. I've taken my eyes off of myself this week. I spent so much time last week thinking about how much of a sinner I am, and beating myself up for being a sinner, that I ended up really dejected. I feel like the Israelites so often, caught in this vicious cycle - sin, repentence, deliverance...sin, repentance, deliverance...Have I truly died to my sinful nature? With my roommate gone for 6 weeks, there was no accountability. I didn't have to learn to relate to other people when I got home. I just sat at home and wallowed in my misery.
And then, God shows me how He's working in other people's lives. Although it's been difficult to see what He's been doing in my life, I cannot deny the miracles He's been performing. I really appreciated Drew's emails from these past two weeks. It's nice to hear honest accounts of places God is bringing him. Granted, things aren't hunky dorey (however you spell that). But, how often are things all that perfect? Rarely, but learning to walk steadily, when it hurts and when God's silent - especially when God's silent. That's living.
I was really blessed by both Steve and Phil's emails about things going on out in the missions field. Just watching God's hand so clearly at work. Praise God for new brothers and sisters in Christ. Meeting with Jessie this week. Wowee! Topics of simplicity and solitude. We talked not about how we enact these things in discrete segments of our lives, but how we implement these things amid the busyness. Praying with her was really encouraging and refreshing.
Youth worship meeting last night and dinner with Sam before that. God's been really meeting my needs for human contact. I really enjoyed the meeting last night; we worshipped in song, we shared, we laughed, avery farted, we laughed some more, avery farted some more, and we prayed. Just being amongst friends was so wonderful.
But, these are just events and experiences. Above all, God has really been communicating a simple truth. He sees me. He loves me deeply.
I feel like I've become a little worker bee for God, and I've forgotten that I am His child.
And in refinding a proper identity in Christ, He's restored passions. I'm learning how to pray earnestly and passionately. I'm learning to hope again. I'm learning to love people again. Hearing from Sarah and Jason about Urban Immersion has rekindled that heart for the urban poor. That will be another blog.
Things still aren't all peachy, but there is hope in Christ. He is the restorer of my soul.
Slow and steady.
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. --Romans 15:13
So, I've been really encouraged this week. I wouldn't say that I'm doing wonderfully, but this week has definitely been better than last week. It's just a milder week - less loneliness, less frustration, less despondency. There's been a little more hope, a little more fellowship (not just hanging out, but real fellowship), and a little more patience.
I kinda figured out why. I've taken my eyes off of myself this week. I spent so much time last week thinking about how much of a sinner I am, and beating myself up for being a sinner, that I ended up really dejected. I feel like the Israelites so often, caught in this vicious cycle - sin, repentence, deliverance...sin, repentance, deliverance...Have I truly died to my sinful nature? With my roommate gone for 6 weeks, there was no accountability. I didn't have to learn to relate to other people when I got home. I just sat at home and wallowed in my misery.
And then, God shows me how He's working in other people's lives. Although it's been difficult to see what He's been doing in my life, I cannot deny the miracles He's been performing. I really appreciated Drew's emails from these past two weeks. It's nice to hear honest accounts of places God is bringing him. Granted, things aren't hunky dorey (however you spell that). But, how often are things all that perfect? Rarely, but learning to walk steadily, when it hurts and when God's silent - especially when God's silent. That's living.
I was really blessed by both Steve and Phil's emails about things going on out in the missions field. Just watching God's hand so clearly at work. Praise God for new brothers and sisters in Christ. Meeting with Jessie this week. Wowee! Topics of simplicity and solitude. We talked not about how we enact these things in discrete segments of our lives, but how we implement these things amid the busyness. Praying with her was really encouraging and refreshing.
Youth worship meeting last night and dinner with Sam before that. God's been really meeting my needs for human contact. I really enjoyed the meeting last night; we worshipped in song, we shared, we laughed, avery farted, we laughed some more, avery farted some more, and we prayed. Just being amongst friends was so wonderful.
But, these are just events and experiences. Above all, God has really been communicating a simple truth. He sees me. He loves me deeply.
I feel like I've become a little worker bee for God, and I've forgotten that I am His child.
And in refinding a proper identity in Christ, He's restored passions. I'm learning how to pray earnestly and passionately. I'm learning to hope again. I'm learning to love people again. Hearing from Sarah and Jason about Urban Immersion has rekindled that heart for the urban poor. That will be another blog.
Things still aren't all peachy, but there is hope in Christ. He is the restorer of my soul.
Slow and steady.
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. --Romans 15:13
I drove to work this morning. I normally can get here in about 15 minutes. Today, it took me 30. I exited off the freeway. My office is right off of the freeway, but I have to drive on the overpass to the other side of the freeway. Unfortunately, this morning, they were paving the overpass, so it was all closed. There were NO detour signs. Not a single one. So, I kept trying to figure out how to get to the other side of the freeway. I called my coworker who told me to get on the freeway and go away from work. Then get off and turn back around on the freeway so I can exit on the other side of the overpass. 2 problems with this which I soon discovered. First, I could get onto the freeway. So, then I started taking city streets. Finally, I get to the freeway and I'm supposed to keep going on 580W. Too bad, our exit is the last one before the Richmond/San Rafael Bridge. Going the away from work on 580 only leads me toward San Quentin.
Well, to make a long story short, I finally did get to work. They should really put up more detour signs. Actually, if I recall, there was 1 detour sign. The genius that some people are, the sign pointed back toward the overpass that was clearly closed. Useless.
And there are my chronicles of my journey to work this morning.
Well, to make a long story short, I finally did get to work. They should really put up more detour signs. Actually, if I recall, there was 1 detour sign. The genius that some people are, the sign pointed back toward the overpass that was clearly closed. Useless.
And there are my chronicles of my journey to work this morning.
March 25, 2002
What a mess. Such a mess.
Find rest oh my soul in God alone
My hope it comes from him
He above all is loving and strong
A warrior as well as a friend
A rock for my feet
A roof for my head
A bulwark in life's desperate hours
My salvation and my honor depend on God
Then why is my soul
So downcast and anxious
I trust you at all times pour out my heart
Bearing my soul here before you, 'cause
You aren't like the ones I've trusted before when I've opened up
You're there all the more
Low borne men are but a breath
The high borne are but a lie
If placed on a scale before my God
They'd amount to a breath or a sigh
We worry about our position in life
So others will think we've arrived
But you love the peasant as much as the prince
The despised of men as much as the honored
I trust you at all times pour out my heart
Bearing my soul here before you, 'cause
You aren't like the ones I've trusted before when I've opened up
You're there all the more
Find rest oh my soul in God alone
My hope it comes from him
He above all is loving and strong
A warrior as well as a friend
A rock for my feet
A roof for my head
A bulwark in life's desperate hours
My salvation and my honor depend on God
Then why is my soul
So downcast and anxious
I trust you at all times pour out my heart
Bearing my soul here before you, 'cause
You aren't like the ones I've trusted before when I've opened up
You're there all the more
Low borne men are but a breath
The high borne are but a lie
If placed on a scale before my God
They'd amount to a breath or a sigh
We worry about our position in life
So others will think we've arrived
But you love the peasant as much as the prince
The despised of men as much as the honored
I trust you at all times pour out my heart
Bearing my soul here before you, 'cause
You aren't like the ones I've trusted before when I've opened up
You're there all the more
March 22, 2002
March 13, 2002
(originally written 2/25/02)
Like I said before, YAF retreat was such a blessing. I totally praise God for Pastor Jess. It's funny because I knew him before he was Pastor Jess, so I'd rather just call him Jess. I was really blessed by the teaching and the time I had with God. The fellowship was good; it was definitely nice to get to know some of the YAF'ers a little better. But, it's been a long time since I've been to a retreat where the teaching was just....like BAMN!
Anyhow, the topic/theme for the retreat was on prayer. The teaching was really solid. But more than the words that were used, I was really encouraged as to how Jess prayed. He taught us all these things about prayer, but above all, he showed us what he was teaching us. Rather than just opening in prayer with the standard quasi-formality/religiosity prayers, he prayed really honestly. And even more, he prayed at length. I think all of his opening prayers lasted at least 5 minutes. Not to say that length is a measure of anything, but it was just that he prayed sincerely and honestly. I think he accomplished three things during these short prayer times:
1. He led us to pray and really prepare to hear the Word being taught.
2. He was vulnerable with us as he was vulnerable with God.
3. He really sincerely prayed FOR us.
He gave 3 messages, all of which really struck me in different places and led to very different reactions. 1st, he shared about enjoying God, just delighting in sitting at His feet. The 2nd message was about our kingdom responsibility in prayer. And finally, he challenged us to really care. This was the message that really hit home with me. The challenge for us was to care deeply about something that God cares deeply about. BUT, rather than moving to mobilize right away, we should spend serious time praying through these burdens. And then, if God should call us to take some action, then go. But, if not, then keep praying.
Galations 6:2 reads Bear one another’s burdens and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. Such a simple and frequently quoted verse. But, on the 2nd night at retreat, I really learned the depth of this verse. Jess led us to pray for one another in a way that relied heavily on the Spirit and really built up the fellowship of the body. We broke into small groups of 3 or 4. We were then instructed to pray as the Sprit led, but about one thing at a time. Person A would bring up a specific petition or praise. When she was done, others would then keep praying for that same item until we sensed that the Spirit was prompting us to move on. Then Person B would pray for something specifically, and we would pray for that request until it was time to move on. This was what is meant by carrying eachother’s burdens. As I made other people’s praises and petitions my own, there was a unity that I cannot describe. And lo and behold, by the time we were done, we had been praying for a couple hours.
God was moving powerfully.
It’s now March 13. It’s neat to look back over the past few weeks and see how God really used the teaching and fellowship at retreat to prepare me for the coming months. He refreshed my view of ministry and service in YAF and Youth Worship. He refreshed a heart for the lost and even for my dear friends.
Content. (like happy..not like substance. heh.)
Like I said before, YAF retreat was such a blessing. I totally praise God for Pastor Jess. It's funny because I knew him before he was Pastor Jess, so I'd rather just call him Jess. I was really blessed by the teaching and the time I had with God. The fellowship was good; it was definitely nice to get to know some of the YAF'ers a little better. But, it's been a long time since I've been to a retreat where the teaching was just....like BAMN!
Anyhow, the topic/theme for the retreat was on prayer. The teaching was really solid. But more than the words that were used, I was really encouraged as to how Jess prayed. He taught us all these things about prayer, but above all, he showed us what he was teaching us. Rather than just opening in prayer with the standard quasi-formality/religiosity prayers, he prayed really honestly. And even more, he prayed at length. I think all of his opening prayers lasted at least 5 minutes. Not to say that length is a measure of anything, but it was just that he prayed sincerely and honestly. I think he accomplished three things during these short prayer times:
1. He led us to pray and really prepare to hear the Word being taught.
2. He was vulnerable with us as he was vulnerable with God.
3. He really sincerely prayed FOR us.
He gave 3 messages, all of which really struck me in different places and led to very different reactions. 1st, he shared about enjoying God, just delighting in sitting at His feet. The 2nd message was about our kingdom responsibility in prayer. And finally, he challenged us to really care. This was the message that really hit home with me. The challenge for us was to care deeply about something that God cares deeply about. BUT, rather than moving to mobilize right away, we should spend serious time praying through these burdens. And then, if God should call us to take some action, then go. But, if not, then keep praying.
Galations 6:2 reads Bear one another’s burdens and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. Such a simple and frequently quoted verse. But, on the 2nd night at retreat, I really learned the depth of this verse. Jess led us to pray for one another in a way that relied heavily on the Spirit and really built up the fellowship of the body. We broke into small groups of 3 or 4. We were then instructed to pray as the Sprit led, but about one thing at a time. Person A would bring up a specific petition or praise. When she was done, others would then keep praying for that same item until we sensed that the Spirit was prompting us to move on. Then Person B would pray for something specifically, and we would pray for that request until it was time to move on. This was what is meant by carrying eachother’s burdens. As I made other people’s praises and petitions my own, there was a unity that I cannot describe. And lo and behold, by the time we were done, we had been praying for a couple hours.
God was moving powerfully.
It’s now March 13. It’s neat to look back over the past few weeks and see how God really used the teaching and fellowship at retreat to prepare me for the coming months. He refreshed my view of ministry and service in YAF and Youth Worship. He refreshed a heart for the lost and even for my dear friends.
Content. (like happy..not like substance. heh.)
February 27, 2002
The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
What imagery. I just see a father holding up his little baby, flying the baby like a little airplane, arousing giggles from the child. I see a father sitting with a crying child, holding the child's hand until the crying ceases. I see a father at a wedding, rejoicing over how his child has grown into a beautiful adult.
God loves me. It's that simple. *content sigh*
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
What imagery. I just see a father holding up his little baby, flying the baby like a little airplane, arousing giggles from the child. I see a father sitting with a crying child, holding the child's hand until the crying ceases. I see a father at a wedding, rejoicing over how his child has grown into a beautiful adult.
God loves me. It's that simple. *content sigh*
February 24, 2002
February 20, 2002
CONGRATULATIONS JESSICA!!!
On this day...you now have independence. Well, kinda. No insurance and no money with which to buy gas. But, we'll just pretend that you are now free to roam the world. Heh. You'll probably only get as far as Fantasia for a while..maybe Valley Fair...oh, and now you get to go to the River! YAY!
I'm happy for you. Heh! I'm happy for me! I'm just happy. And thirsty.
On this day...you now have independence. Well, kinda. No insurance and no money with which to buy gas. But, we'll just pretend that you are now free to roam the world. Heh. You'll probably only get as far as Fantasia for a while..maybe Valley Fair...oh, and now you get to go to the River! YAY!
I'm happy for you. Heh! I'm happy for me! I'm just happy. And thirsty.
February 14, 2002
Matt Aelseth once shared with me his ideas on choosing where to serve. I'm still searching these out biblically, but this is a starting point. I think I'm the type of person that when presented with an apparent need, I will do anything I can to meet that need. It's my Messiah complex. My dreams of being a superhero and being able to help everyone and do everything.
But, alas, I am more Matt Murdock, Clark Kent, Bruce Wayne and less guys with capes in tights. Ha. Wait, they're all men. Anyhow. Moving on.
Back to Matt Aelseth. So, Matt's whole framework is: serve in 3 ministries maximum - 2 major and 1 minor. Of the 2 majors, one should be something that God's given you a passion for. The other should be where there is a need. Disclaimer: These are his guidelines, they're not rules of any sort. I just remember him sharing with me that ministry (at least official, program type ministry) should not consume us. We live in an age that is frought with agendas and meetings. And even in Christian/church culture, it is easy to get swept up in those types of ministries. If there is an apparent need in an area where God has really given you the Spiritual gifts, relational networks, and talents to meet that need, it's so easy to jump in and to "do." But, where is the faith required in that?
And passion. Well..that's passion. Part of fanning into flame the gift of God that is in you (2 Tim 1).
Needs are around us everywhere. The homeless man on the street, the old lady crossing the street, the guy on crutches trying to open a door to Dwinelle, the roommate who just wants to talk, the faucet that keeps dripping. And with the power of Christ, we have enough strength to do it. But, the fundamental question is: are we supposed to do it all? When I was in school, I used to respond with "But how could you not? If it's in your means to help, how could you not?"
A few points to this:
1. We tend to try to control the situation by always jumping in to help. God will raise up workers in time. (Yes, sometimes, you are that person.) He brings us to points that require faith. As we see a need, but come to see that it is not for us to meet, then our responsibility is to pray over that need. That's where the faith comes in.
2. Related to this, I know that my impetus to try to meet all these needs stems from pride. I touched on this earlier with my whole superhero complex thing. It comes from a sense of self-sufficiency. I have the means, so I will do it. And that is sin.
Gosh, this is all over the place. So, I'll stop here. I'm still sorting through some examples from Scripture. I'll edit this later. Umm..yeah. sorry. Cool...my page is starting to talk with other pages...If i've said anything blasphemous or questionable, please tell me.
But, alas, I am more Matt Murdock, Clark Kent, Bruce Wayne and less guys with capes in tights. Ha. Wait, they're all men. Anyhow. Moving on.
Back to Matt Aelseth. So, Matt's whole framework is: serve in 3 ministries maximum - 2 major and 1 minor. Of the 2 majors, one should be something that God's given you a passion for. The other should be where there is a need. Disclaimer: These are his guidelines, they're not rules of any sort. I just remember him sharing with me that ministry (at least official, program type ministry) should not consume us. We live in an age that is frought with agendas and meetings. And even in Christian/church culture, it is easy to get swept up in those types of ministries. If there is an apparent need in an area where God has really given you the Spiritual gifts, relational networks, and talents to meet that need, it's so easy to jump in and to "do." But, where is the faith required in that?
And passion. Well..that's passion. Part of fanning into flame the gift of God that is in you (2 Tim 1).
Needs are around us everywhere. The homeless man on the street, the old lady crossing the street, the guy on crutches trying to open a door to Dwinelle, the roommate who just wants to talk, the faucet that keeps dripping. And with the power of Christ, we have enough strength to do it. But, the fundamental question is: are we supposed to do it all? When I was in school, I used to respond with "But how could you not? If it's in your means to help, how could you not?"
A few points to this:
1. We tend to try to control the situation by always jumping in to help. God will raise up workers in time. (Yes, sometimes, you are that person.) He brings us to points that require faith. As we see a need, but come to see that it is not for us to meet, then our responsibility is to pray over that need. That's where the faith comes in.
2. Related to this, I know that my impetus to try to meet all these needs stems from pride. I touched on this earlier with my whole superhero complex thing. It comes from a sense of self-sufficiency. I have the means, so I will do it. And that is sin.
Gosh, this is all over the place. So, I'll stop here. I'm still sorting through some examples from Scripture. I'll edit this later. Umm..yeah. sorry. Cool...my page is starting to talk with other pages...If i've said anything blasphemous or questionable, please tell me.
February 8, 2002
For one who likes to talk, I have a difficult time articulating myself. I have a lot of trouble succinctly and accurately saying the things jumbled up in my head. To make a point, I normally have to make five statements before I can get to the heart of the matter. Usually, those five statements don't make much sense.
My inability to express myself has become rather frustrating as of late. I feel like I haven't really had an outlet to share honestly and openly. Most of the time, I know that this thoughts page is not the mechanism. It's somewhat awkward for me to talk to an unidentified readership. Digressing, again. See? Back to the frustration issue. I'm not poetic, nor creative, nor artistic, nor articulate. There are days when I wish I could do something like paint, to illustrate how I feel and what I'm thinking.
Alinna was telling me about her students the other day. She teaches high schoolers. She was telling me how her kids will start to explain something. But, then, they'll get frustrated. They'll say things like, "So the emperor of Japan - I can't remember his name - met with his council...ergh....umm...uh....(silence)...uhh...I dunno. I forget." Al tells me that it's not that they don't know the answer. They just can't explain it. They get frustrated and a little panicked along the way. And then it happens, the thought comes to a screeching halt.
When the thought train in my head crashes into a brick wall, I just get tired. Rather than trying to back up and explain myself again, I opt to just let it go, trying to move the conversation forward. I have now frustrated a good number of people by doing this. Part of it is my own pride. I'm embarassed by the fact that I'm inarticulate. Ultimately, I just feel stupid. Going back over the conversation only makes me feel like more of an idiot. I'd rather just move on. But, most of the time, the person/people I'm talking to aren't quite ready to move on.
Maybe I should go back to kindergarten and re-learn how to express myself. Maybe I should finger paint.
My inability to express myself has become rather frustrating as of late. I feel like I haven't really had an outlet to share honestly and openly. Most of the time, I know that this thoughts page is not the mechanism. It's somewhat awkward for me to talk to an unidentified readership. Digressing, again. See? Back to the frustration issue. I'm not poetic, nor creative, nor artistic, nor articulate. There are days when I wish I could do something like paint, to illustrate how I feel and what I'm thinking.
Alinna was telling me about her students the other day. She teaches high schoolers. She was telling me how her kids will start to explain something. But, then, they'll get frustrated. They'll say things like, "So the emperor of Japan - I can't remember his name - met with his council...ergh....umm...uh....(silence)...uhh...I dunno. I forget." Al tells me that it's not that they don't know the answer. They just can't explain it. They get frustrated and a little panicked along the way. And then it happens, the thought comes to a screeching halt.
When the thought train in my head crashes into a brick wall, I just get tired. Rather than trying to back up and explain myself again, I opt to just let it go, trying to move the conversation forward. I have now frustrated a good number of people by doing this. Part of it is my own pride. I'm embarassed by the fact that I'm inarticulate. Ultimately, I just feel stupid. Going back over the conversation only makes me feel like more of an idiot. I'd rather just move on. But, most of the time, the person/people I'm talking to aren't quite ready to move on.
Maybe I should go back to kindergarten and re-learn how to express myself. Maybe I should finger paint.
February 6, 2002
January 31, 2002
I go to the Starbucks/Noah's on Lakeshore at least once a week on my way to work. I've been trying to be good and make my own coffee at home. Well, being really good would be to stop drinking coffee. But, I digress.
For a while, I was going to Starbucks every day because I'd run out of coffee at home. There's this homeless guy who sits outside. I bought him a cup of coffee this morning and talked to him for a little bit. His name is Richard. He was telling me how cold it was last night. He couldn't get a bed in a shelter last night, so he had to sleep in the doorway to a shop in Chinatown. He has a little girl that he hasn't seen in 4 years. He doesn't even know where she is anymore.
Richard is such a gentle, tender man. We were talking about two feet from a garbage can. A lady walked out of Starbucks and was trying to throw her sugar packets away. Unknowingly, one of them missed and landed on the ground. Richard walked over, picked it up, and through it away.
I'm not gonna say that I learned some major lesson or anything. (I think there's sometimes this mentality that interacting with the homeless/poor will lead to some great epiphanies(!) about life. God uses these interactions as well as interactions with any Joe Shmoe to teach us lessons big and small). I just treasured this interaction. I was, however, just really struck by his honesty, frankness, and warmth. I am encouraged.
***end "real" stuff here.
Happy birthday to Justin Timberlake, who is 21 today.
hahahaha. I amuse myself.
For a while, I was going to Starbucks every day because I'd run out of coffee at home. There's this homeless guy who sits outside. I bought him a cup of coffee this morning and talked to him for a little bit. His name is Richard. He was telling me how cold it was last night. He couldn't get a bed in a shelter last night, so he had to sleep in the doorway to a shop in Chinatown. He has a little girl that he hasn't seen in 4 years. He doesn't even know where she is anymore.
Richard is such a gentle, tender man. We were talking about two feet from a garbage can. A lady walked out of Starbucks and was trying to throw her sugar packets away. Unknowingly, one of them missed and landed on the ground. Richard walked over, picked it up, and through it away.
I'm not gonna say that I learned some major lesson or anything. (I think there's sometimes this mentality that interacting with the homeless/poor will lead to some great epiphanies(!) about life. God uses these interactions as well as interactions with any Joe Shmoe to teach us lessons big and small). I just treasured this interaction. I was, however, just really struck by his honesty, frankness, and warmth. I am encouraged.
***end "real" stuff here.
Happy birthday to Justin Timberlake, who is 21 today.
hahahaha. I amuse myself.
January 30, 2002
Why in the world would you think my page is more interesting, Jessica? Yours is far more interesting. At least you're funny. And your page is pretty to look at.
January 23, 2002
The clown in my three-ring circus:
Avery sends me a link to a Mandy Moore BBS. Oh, and Shane West is the guy in the new Mandy Moore movie.
MisterAvery: this is my new bbs.
evtu: aww...but what about shane west???
MisterAvery: that guy sucks.
evtu: no he doesn't
evtu: that's how they're gonna get girls to go see the movie w/ their boyfriends who wanna see it for mandy.
Avery found this funny. And then he asked me out. Then he found that even funnier.
Avery sends me a link to a Mandy Moore BBS. Oh, and Shane West is the guy in the new Mandy Moore movie.
MisterAvery: this is my new bbs.
evtu: aww...but what about shane west???
MisterAvery: that guy sucks.
evtu: no he doesn't
evtu: that's how they're gonna get girls to go see the movie w/ their boyfriends who wanna see it for mandy.
Avery found this funny. And then he asked me out. Then he found that even funnier.
The human body is such an intricate, perfectly designed system. Everytime I learn something new about the human body (which is daily, considering my job), I'm in awed by the detail and creativity in God's creation.
My body has been falling apart lately. Ever since I had what I like to call "my graceful moment," I've been plagued by all sorts of weird aches and pains. It's kinda cool how the body uses pain to signal that something is not right in that part of the body. The pain then forces me to change the way I move so as to not further injure that area. I went to see a chiropractor yesterday for my back pain which has only been getting worse. Basically, during "my graceful moment," I managed to sprain my right ankle, stretch my MCL in my left knee, and pull the origin and insertions of my quad in my left leg. Because I couldn't fully walk on my right leg, I somehow shifted my gait so I was predominantly walking with my weight on the left. Since my left leg was already injured, i was putting undue pressure on the muscles in my left hip. The muscles in/around my left hip have become inflamed, compressing on my nerves in that area. This has caused the severe lower back pain and pain that shoots down my leg.
So, the chiropractor adjusted my back and gave me some tips as to how to alleviate the pain and not aggrevate those muscles more. He also said that I should get a massage. Hey, I'm not gonna argue with that! He's a smart guy.
It's so fascinating to me that the body is just a whole bunch of feedback mechanisms. Lack of mobility in some areas is compensated, sometimes overcompensated, by added mobility in other regions. I'm so glad that God made us like this, as a dynamic system that can respond to stresses placed on the body. Can you imagine if our bodies fully shut down when something or other isn't working properly? Creation really does speak to the truth of Christ.
The human body is cool, for lack of a better word.
My body has been falling apart lately. Ever since I had what I like to call "my graceful moment," I've been plagued by all sorts of weird aches and pains. It's kinda cool how the body uses pain to signal that something is not right in that part of the body. The pain then forces me to change the way I move so as to not further injure that area. I went to see a chiropractor yesterday for my back pain which has only been getting worse. Basically, during "my graceful moment," I managed to sprain my right ankle, stretch my MCL in my left knee, and pull the origin and insertions of my quad in my left leg. Because I couldn't fully walk on my right leg, I somehow shifted my gait so I was predominantly walking with my weight on the left. Since my left leg was already injured, i was putting undue pressure on the muscles in my left hip. The muscles in/around my left hip have become inflamed, compressing on my nerves in that area. This has caused the severe lower back pain and pain that shoots down my leg.
So, the chiropractor adjusted my back and gave me some tips as to how to alleviate the pain and not aggrevate those muscles more. He also said that I should get a massage. Hey, I'm not gonna argue with that! He's a smart guy.
It's so fascinating to me that the body is just a whole bunch of feedback mechanisms. Lack of mobility in some areas is compensated, sometimes overcompensated, by added mobility in other regions. I'm so glad that God made us like this, as a dynamic system that can respond to stresses placed on the body. Can you imagine if our bodies fully shut down when something or other isn't working properly? Creation really does speak to the truth of Christ.
The human body is cool, for lack of a better word.
January 17, 2002
Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.
But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from the burdens common to man; they are not plagued by human ills. Therefore pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence. From their callous hearts comes iniquity; the evil conceits of their minds know no limits. They scoff, and speak with malice; in their arrogance they threaten oppression. Their mouths lay claim to heaven, and their tongues take possession of the earth. Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance. They say, "How can God know? Does the Most High have knowledge?" This is what the wicked are like-- always carefree, they increase in wealth.
Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning. If I had said, "I will speak thus," I would have betrayed your children. When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny. Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin. How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors! As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise, O Lord, you will despise them as fantasies. When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.
Psalm 73
But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from the burdens common to man; they are not plagued by human ills. Therefore pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence. From their callous hearts comes iniquity; the evil conceits of their minds know no limits. They scoff, and speak with malice; in their arrogance they threaten oppression. Their mouths lay claim to heaven, and their tongues take possession of the earth. Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance. They say, "How can God know? Does the Most High have knowledge?" This is what the wicked are like-- always carefree, they increase in wealth.
Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning. If I had said, "I will speak thus," I would have betrayed your children. When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny. Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin. How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors! As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise, O Lord, you will despise them as fantasies. When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.
Psalm 73
January 11, 2002
January 7, 2002
Random snippets and thoughts from my time with Allen, Anne, Bev, Elaine, George, Janet, Jason, and Paul. This weekend was truly something special.
Post-college is a strange time. Distance stretches friendships in curious, sometimes uncomfortable ways.
The playing was surprisingly Wow!...just to be with folks you like and who like you too.
A reunion of the "good ol' friends" can often become a filling of an empty present with the best happinesses of a selectively-remembered past. What made this weekend wonderful was the renewal of forging bonds cut off by separation. To re-connect is to return to a good thing that was cut too short.
The past few months have been fairly rough. As a result, I've been withdrawing from those who care about me and from those whom I care about. I've been lonely to say the least. God has brought refreshing in the perfect way to meet the needs of my heart. This refreshing came in the form of old, wonderful friends. I'm grateful for friends who let me be whacky ol' neurotic me and who are real with me. I'm grateful for friends who share similar passions, dreams, goals, and desires.
Fireworks that fall like glittering dust and shooting stars took us captive. We became little kids for a moment. We marveled at the beauty. We reveled in being together.
It's hard to explain, but it's like my heart feels at home with these friends. They are part of "home" to me.
I was worried that I would be sad when I got back. I was afraid I would be in withdrawal. Bev said it best, "I'm not in withdrawal like I thought I would be. Y'know why? Because my soul was truly fed and refreshed. It wasn't a co-dependent, addictive weekend that leaves you high and dry."
God did some deep refreshing work in my heart this past weekend. I feel like understand Luke 2:19 more: but Mary quietly treasured these things in her heart and thought about them often. My desire is that I would not hoard this blessing. I desire to give it back to God in worship, that He would continue to soften my heart to loving people deeply again.
Post-college is a strange time. Distance stretches friendships in curious, sometimes uncomfortable ways.
The playing was surprisingly Wow!...just to be with folks you like and who like you too.
A reunion of the "good ol' friends" can often become a filling of an empty present with the best happinesses of a selectively-remembered past. What made this weekend wonderful was the renewal of forging bonds cut off by separation. To re-connect is to return to a good thing that was cut too short.
The past few months have been fairly rough. As a result, I've been withdrawing from those who care about me and from those whom I care about. I've been lonely to say the least. God has brought refreshing in the perfect way to meet the needs of my heart. This refreshing came in the form of old, wonderful friends. I'm grateful for friends who let me be whacky ol' neurotic me and who are real with me. I'm grateful for friends who share similar passions, dreams, goals, and desires.
Fireworks that fall like glittering dust and shooting stars took us captive. We became little kids for a moment. We marveled at the beauty. We reveled in being together.
It's hard to explain, but it's like my heart feels at home with these friends. They are part of "home" to me.
I was worried that I would be sad when I got back. I was afraid I would be in withdrawal. Bev said it best, "I'm not in withdrawal like I thought I would be. Y'know why? Because my soul was truly fed and refreshed. It wasn't a co-dependent, addictive weekend that leaves you high and dry."
God did some deep refreshing work in my heart this past weekend. I feel like understand Luke 2:19 more: but Mary quietly treasured these things in her heart and thought about them often. My desire is that I would not hoard this blessing. I desire to give it back to God in worship, that He would continue to soften my heart to loving people deeply again.
January 2, 2002
I don't think guys will understand this. You might, but..
Ever have one of those days where you just want to cry? All day, I've just wanted to cry. Not over anything in particular. I'm not super-sad or anything. I just want to cry. Apparently, this is why William Shakespeare wrote tragedies. He knew that people needed a good cry every now and then. It's been found that crying is not only emotionally cathartic, but it's also physically cathartic. The act of crying supposedly removes toxins, ions, and other stress-inducing something or others from your body.
I want to curl up and cry. I haven't cried in a long time. In fact, I don't think I've actually FELT anything in a long time. When did I become complacent and dispassionate? I think that's why I haven't written anything terribly revealing in a long time. Lately, it's all been little vignettes or very heady writings. It's hard to find things to write about when I'm not really processing anything that's been going on.
Hmm..time to wrestle with God...
bring it.
Ever have one of those days where you just want to cry? All day, I've just wanted to cry. Not over anything in particular. I'm not super-sad or anything. I just want to cry. Apparently, this is why William Shakespeare wrote tragedies. He knew that people needed a good cry every now and then. It's been found that crying is not only emotionally cathartic, but it's also physically cathartic. The act of crying supposedly removes toxins, ions, and other stress-inducing something or others from your body.
I want to curl up and cry. I haven't cried in a long time. In fact, I don't think I've actually FELT anything in a long time. When did I become complacent and dispassionate? I think that's why I haven't written anything terribly revealing in a long time. Lately, it's all been little vignettes or very heady writings. It's hard to find things to write about when I'm not really processing anything that's been going on.
Hmm..time to wrestle with God...
bring it.