I went to go see my grandpa in the hospital tonight. He's not doing well at all. He's not very alert. He just lays there with his eyes closed. But, when I walked in, my mom woke him up. I kissed him on the cheek. He couldn't keep his eyes open for more than 2 seconds, but he smiled at me. Such a simple thing made me burst into tears. Hmm...

It's been a really rough week...and I think it's only going to get harder...if you want to know what's going on, feel free to ask. But God is big..and He is good.

a sampling of things that speak to my heart right now:

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when sorrows like sea billows roll
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, oh my soul.
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Be still my soul!
The Lord is on thy side
Leave to thy God to order and provide.
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Hagar's response to God when He tells her to go back to the horrible situation she was in was obedience. The response we witness was "God sees me. He cares about me. He knows about me and my affliction. I have seen God!" Her eyes were no longer focused on her situation; they were focused on God.
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Through affliction, He teaches us many precious lessons that otherwise we would never learn. By affliction, He shows us our emptiness and weakness, draws us to the throne of grace, purifies our affections, weans us from the world, and makes us long for heaven.
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In hope against hope Abraham believed...without becoming weak in the faith....yet, with respect to the of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform. Romans 4
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His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
nor His delight in the legs of man;
the Lord delights in those who fear Him,
who put their hope in His unfailing love.
Psalm 147:10-11
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You who live in heaven...hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth.
Who are afraid of being left by those we love, who get hardened by the hurt.
Do you remember when you lived down here where we all scrape to find the faith to ask for daily bread.
Did you forget about us after you had flown away. Well, I memorized every word You said.
Still, I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath. While You're up there just playing hard to get.

You who live in radiance - hear the prayers of those of us who live in sin.
We have a love that's not as patient as yours was , but still we do love now and then.
Did you ever know loneliness; did you ever know need? Do you remember just how long a night can get
When you are barely holding on and your friends fall asleep? And don't see the blood that's running in your sweat.
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted While You're up there just playing hard to get.

I know you bore our sorrows.
I know you feel our pain.
I know that it would not hurt any less if it could be explained
I know that I am only lashing out at the One who loves me most.
And after I have figured this, somehow all i really need to know is if:

You who live in eternity hear the prayers of those of us who live in time.
We can't see what's ahead and we cannot get free of what we've left behind.
I'm reeling from the voices that keep screaming in my ear.
All these words of shame and doubt. blame and regret.
I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here.
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led.
And so You've been here all along I guess.
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get.
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Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort who comfots us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those whoa re in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. 2 Corinth 1:3-5

It's funny how most of the time when I go and serve or make a very focused attempt at ministering to someone, I think I end up coming away from the encounter more blessed than the person to whom I was trying to minister. For example, today I was at a convalescent home with some other people. Our goal was just to go and talk to the elderly that were there, share some scripture with them, and to just hang out with them. I met this one lady, Claudia. Claudia had been brought up in the church, but she shared with me that she felt like she had to be a certain "type" of Christian in order to please God. She believed that she had to work for her salvation. And, it was really neat to be able to share with her the immeasurable freedom of a fully atoning grace.

God pressed it upon my heart to just chat with her. Boy, did He bless our conversation. Claudia was so willing to share about her life and her struggles. When I asked her how her day had been, she responded, "Oh, darling, today has been wonderful. With a world that is so full of trials and tribulations, how can my day not be wonderful? I am blessed." Wow. What an attitude and perspective!! God's been teaching me a lot about what it means to face each day with great anticipation and hope. He's teaching me to be grateful that I get to wake up in the morning and see His creation.

I didn't really get to talk to anyone else while we were at the convalescent home because I really wanted to get to know Claudia. She kept asking me to tell her about myself. One of the most encouraging things that happened was when I got a chance to pray with her. We had barely talked for five minutes, and the Spirit was nudging me to be bold and to just ask if I could pray for her. When I asked her if she had specific things she wanted me to pray for, she simply said, "Ask for His blessings and ask that I would be grateful." So simple. So honest.

Praise God for the ways He works. I totally wasn't going to go to the home today. I was planning on going home for the day to see my family. But, plans changed. God arranged for me to be able to stay in Berkeley. He even arranged rides and stuff for me so that I could take a break from driving. And for this opportunity I am grateful. I had had a really rough, dry week spiritually. It's been tough settling into a new rhythm of working life. And, honestly, I have pushed God into a corner and put Him on hold. And then, the weekend comes, and He draws me to Himself. And while I haven't gotten a chance to think through/pray through some bigger issues, God spurs me to go and serve and to minister. And in doing so, I get a taste of Him that quenches my thirst. It makes me long for Him deeply. This taste of God makes me yearn to be rooted in His Word. It has convicted me of my lack of discipline this past week.

What a difference a day makes. Yes, so cliche, but, whatever. HBS on Friday was ok. I just wasn't fully there. I had been walking on my own, without God the entire week. I found myself hardened toward Him. I went back and restudied Mark 14 (the passage from Friday) this morning. And the passage came alive. God became real and vibrant to me.

Ok, so this wasn't really a "thought." I have other thoughts that I want to process. But, for now, you just get to hear an update on me.

I was going to write something. But, for some reason, I'm having trouble writing honestly. Things have been coming out in a kind of masked way. So, I will hold off for tonight.

I am employed. Yay!!

It's been really refreshing seeing Steve Childs these past few weeks. His presence has caused me to become nostalgic of my college years. I think I'm starting to become nostalgic. It's strange being back in Berkeley for an extended period of time. I've spent so much time at home and stuff, that being back, now, feels kind of different. I'm no longer a student. I hung out with some friends tonight who are my year but have another semester or year left. It was strange to hear them talk about school and how they had papers to write tonight.

I think I will miss my college years...But, I'm not gonna get all weepy on you now. I just want to reminisce. I want to enjoy my memories. I think I had the most fun (and drama..in a good way) sophomore and junior year. Hanging out with Steve made me remember the amazing brothers in Crusade. Dude, these guys honored the women like crazy; they honored us as sisters. It was so striking, because it made me (and others) want to honor them as men and as brothers. It's kind of cool how that works out. There was something so healthy about many of the friendships. The women were treated as women. The guys were very attentive to issues concerning safety, always eager to offer a walk home.

And it's funny, when one of the guys would do something that was "disappointing" in our eyes, many of the sisters (especially myself) would be eager to jump in and tell the guys how to be men. As if we knew!! Gee...I've been thinking about this a lot lately. It bothers me when a girl is treated as "one of the guys." Or when a guy is not allowed to be a man, to lead, to make decisions, etc because the women always jump in.

Woah, this suddenly wandered into a gender role shpeel. People like to give 5th Home girls a hard time for being feisty, independent, strong willed. On top of that, people give Crusade girls (at least the circle that I ran in) a hard time for being stubborn, sometimes pig-headed, and very determined. Ha. I'm both a 5th Home girl and a Crusade girl. Hmm..And so, in four years, I've learned a lot about what it means to allow the men in my life to act as men. How can I affirm that there role and their growth as men of God? I find, often, that we, as women, are eager to jump in and tell men how things should be down. But, I'm seeing how it's very emasculating. We negate men's roles as men. And then, we go and "demand" that they affirm us as women. PSHAW!! It totally doesn't work like that.

sn: when I say "we," I'm speaking in broad generalizations, but from my own experience. So, "we" could/should be "I."

hmm...once again, a thought that is not exactly fully fleshed out. But, I must sleep. Good night.

Our apartment has a few little visitors. They are little furry things that like to make noise inside our walls and behind our cabinets. I think there are two mice running around. They've eaten holes into the sheets on our couch. There's a small pile of chewed up carpet in the corner of my room.

I have yet to see these little creatures. But, I've heard them in the walls. It's funny because I'll bang the wall, and it'll be quiet. Then I'll suddenly hear something on the other side of the apartment. Then, I realize that it's pretty futile for me to keep chasing them around the house when they're inside the walls. But, what am I supposed to do? Set traps and catch them? I don't think I could deal with the captured mice. *shiver* Any advice? We had a mouse problem when we first moved in, but that was three years ago. They just kind of went away...into other people's apartments. Haha.

It's been a while, no? This update is all over the place. But, oh well.

Last night at YAF, I think I was on crack. I was kind of giddy. And it's funny, I haven't had that much fun in a while. I'm not sure if other people that were there were as entertained as I was. After YAF, I started "play fighting" with people. First, I was trying to head butt Kathy. Then, I was picking on Christine (well, she started it by giving me a hard time). I don't know. I was just being really silly. And, I don't think I've had that much fun in a while.

I finally feel that I can be myself now with people at YAF and CI. I think I'm starting to get to know people and I'm starting to get more comfortable with a lot of them. I spent all day yesterday hanging out with some close female friends (elaine and bev). I realized that I've been craving close female friends for the past couple weeks. Especially, friends like Elaine and Bev. Oops, that was a sentence fragment. Oh well. So, it was nice being able to screw around with Elaine and Bev. Dude, we are so silly when we're together. I have very little fear when I hang out with them. Most of my insecurities go away, and I can totally be myself. And, I think a lot of that spilled over into YAF last night.

I've known for a while that I'm a people pleaser. It's very important to me that everyone is happy. I'm a people pleaser to the extent that I will give up my own wishes and desires (frequently) for others. I've compromised my safety even to please others. And that's something that God's working out in me. He's been putting to death my need for approval. And I'm starting to experience a new freedom.

more thoughts on this stuff later. I'm going to take a nap.