Sam beat me to it. (hey, and why do all my past posts have Sam’s name somewhere in them? It seems like Sam’s the only friend I talk to on a fairly regular basis, excluding Jason.)

I was in the processing about dumping about similar things. I've wanted to write about these things for a while now, so I’ll do it anyways. Similar issues, but not the same. Warning: this has not been edited. What ever comes to mind is written down.

A thought that has been flying through my mind a lot lately is: “When did I get like this?” I remember a time when I used to love (read: feel love for) God wholeheartedly (or, more than I do now), when I used to care about people more sincerely and deeply. I used to be such an extrovert. Maybe the years out of school have mellowed me out. But, I also have seen how selfish, bratty, and whiny I have become.

I find myself in pursuit of the same thing that Sam wrote about: happiness. There are times (like earlier this week) where I am just overcome by complete sadness. It’s a sadness that is intertwined with loneliness, frustration, and disgust at myself. I see myself becoming more impatient, more demanding, more critical. This is especially apparent when I examine my interactions with Jason. And now, I see where this comes from. I think the things that I’ve been taking out on Jason are reflective of my frustration with God.

I’ve become impatient. It’s become difficult for me to wait on Him to lead. I think my life is in a place where, for at least the next several months, I’m not going anywhere. And I’m starting to get antsy. I was so conditioned to school life where things changed every few months. There were clear markers along the road. Now, day after day, week after week kind of looks the same. Don’t get me wrong, there is still fun to be had. I also am lacking a bit for community. I praise God for bringing Jason into my life. Even while dating, I get lonely. I miss the girls. I long for that casual community of college. Where people would spontaneously show up for dinner and hang out all night. But, this is no longer college. And, so, I get sad. And I let this sadness come over me and eat me up.

So, instead of feeling sad, I try my best to keep myself extremely busy. This prevents me from sitting down and actually feeling sad. Am I pursuing happiness? Or am I just avoiding sadness? I guess they’re fundamentally the same. In the end, I am trying to “fix” my sadness. I find myself wanting to buy stuff, to eat, to entertain myself. I justify it as “therapy” but, ultimately, it’s trying to fulfill deep spiritual desires with worldly things. I want so much to not be sad anymore.

I look at myself, and I hate the sinner in me. I hate that I’m not content in Christ. I forget that I am a child of God, and heir to the throne, that I have received every spiritual blessing. Or maybe it’s that I don’t know how to let these truths transform my life. Honestly, I get tired of praying for this (or against the sadness). I feel like I’ve been crying out for the same thing for so long. I’ve had these undercurrents of melancholy for a while now. Maybe I’m not praying right. Maybe I’m praying selfishly.

I need to stop complaining – to others, to myself, and to God.

“For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand outside.
I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God
Than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD gives grace and glory;
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”
Psalm 84:10, 11

God has put me in His court. I’m in His court! Yes, it might be a colder, damper, muddier corner of His court. I might not like it too much. But, I am in His court. And I sit and I complain how I don’t like where in His court He has put me. But y’know what? At some given moment, God will pass by in His court. And from my station, I will have the best view of Him, and it will make it well worth the wait. No good thing does He withhold. He knows what is good for me, and He gives generously.

So, yeah..that’s my brain throwing up. I’m not sure what to do, but to keep praying, to keep studying His Word, and to keep waiting. I don’t know..that doesn’t seem like enough though…but I guess that is..

I have no idea how to end this. Same disclaimer as Sam: “I don't want to get a bunch of concerned e-mails from friends, so I guess I'll stick this here. I know the truth of finding joy in God and I definitely believe in that.”