I was going to write something. But, for some reason, I'm having trouble writing honestly. Things have been coming out in a kind of masked way. So, I will hold off for tonight.

I am employed. Yay!!

It's been really refreshing seeing Steve Childs these past few weeks. His presence has caused me to become nostalgic of my college years. I think I'm starting to become nostalgic. It's strange being back in Berkeley for an extended period of time. I've spent so much time at home and stuff, that being back, now, feels kind of different. I'm no longer a student. I hung out with some friends tonight who are my year but have another semester or year left. It was strange to hear them talk about school and how they had papers to write tonight.

I think I will miss my college years...But, I'm not gonna get all weepy on you now. I just want to reminisce. I want to enjoy my memories. I think I had the most fun (and drama..in a good way) sophomore and junior year. Hanging out with Steve made me remember the amazing brothers in Crusade. Dude, these guys honored the women like crazy; they honored us as sisters. It was so striking, because it made me (and others) want to honor them as men and as brothers. It's kind of cool how that works out. There was something so healthy about many of the friendships. The women were treated as women. The guys were very attentive to issues concerning safety, always eager to offer a walk home.

And it's funny, when one of the guys would do something that was "disappointing" in our eyes, many of the sisters (especially myself) would be eager to jump in and tell the guys how to be men. As if we knew!! Gee...I've been thinking about this a lot lately. It bothers me when a girl is treated as "one of the guys." Or when a guy is not allowed to be a man, to lead, to make decisions, etc because the women always jump in.

Woah, this suddenly wandered into a gender role shpeel. People like to give 5th Home girls a hard time for being feisty, independent, strong willed. On top of that, people give Crusade girls (at least the circle that I ran in) a hard time for being stubborn, sometimes pig-headed, and very determined. Ha. I'm both a 5th Home girl and a Crusade girl. Hmm..And so, in four years, I've learned a lot about what it means to allow the men in my life to act as men. How can I affirm that there role and their growth as men of God? I find, often, that we, as women, are eager to jump in and tell men how things should be down. But, I'm seeing how it's very emasculating. We negate men's roles as men. And then, we go and "demand" that they affirm us as women. PSHAW!! It totally doesn't work like that.

sn: when I say "we," I'm speaking in broad generalizations, but from my own experience. So, "we" could/should be "I."

hmm...once again, a thought that is not exactly fully fleshed out. But, I must sleep. Good night.

Our apartment has a few little visitors. They are little furry things that like to make noise inside our walls and behind our cabinets. I think there are two mice running around. They've eaten holes into the sheets on our couch. There's a small pile of chewed up carpet in the corner of my room.

I have yet to see these little creatures. But, I've heard them in the walls. It's funny because I'll bang the wall, and it'll be quiet. Then I'll suddenly hear something on the other side of the apartment. Then, I realize that it's pretty futile for me to keep chasing them around the house when they're inside the walls. But, what am I supposed to do? Set traps and catch them? I don't think I could deal with the captured mice. *shiver* Any advice? We had a mouse problem when we first moved in, but that was three years ago. They just kind of went away...into other people's apartments. Haha.

It's been a while, no? This update is all over the place. But, oh well.

Last night at YAF, I think I was on crack. I was kind of giddy. And it's funny, I haven't had that much fun in a while. I'm not sure if other people that were there were as entertained as I was. After YAF, I started "play fighting" with people. First, I was trying to head butt Kathy. Then, I was picking on Christine (well, she started it by giving me a hard time). I don't know. I was just being really silly. And, I don't think I've had that much fun in a while.

I finally feel that I can be myself now with people at YAF and CI. I think I'm starting to get to know people and I'm starting to get more comfortable with a lot of them. I spent all day yesterday hanging out with some close female friends (elaine and bev). I realized that I've been craving close female friends for the past couple weeks. Especially, friends like Elaine and Bev. Oops, that was a sentence fragment. Oh well. So, it was nice being able to screw around with Elaine and Bev. Dude, we are so silly when we're together. I have very little fear when I hang out with them. Most of my insecurities go away, and I can totally be myself. And, I think a lot of that spilled over into YAF last night.

I've known for a while that I'm a people pleaser. It's very important to me that everyone is happy. I'm a people pleaser to the extent that I will give up my own wishes and desires (frequently) for others. I've compromised my safety even to please others. And that's something that God's working out in me. He's been putting to death my need for approval. And I'm starting to experience a new freedom.

more thoughts on this stuff later. I'm going to take a nap.